Finding My Voice - Conclusion

I am feeling knowledgeable about how the brain works. I am knowing a lot of people are naturally having really incredibly hard time acknowledging I am able to talk so well even though I am non-verbal. I know having to see it to believe it is a saying but I don’t understand why it is hard to believe. After a person sees me talk they are always shocked and amazed, however mom always tells them I can talk before and they are still surprised. I think that’s a big problem for autistics. I am feeling if everyone assumed autistics are smart instead of being shocked by it then my ABA and school experiences might not have been so awful. I hope someday it will be a normal thing to teach all autistics RPM. I am not naturally finding a lot of letter talkers around here. Hopefully that changes because there are a lot of autistics around here. I feel seeing autism as a brain/body disconnect is needed for an acknowledgement of all autistics being smart to happen. I am feeling autistics should always be given acknowledgement for how much effort it always takes to get in control even a little bit, I am finding it hardest when I am feeling sick or tired. Not able to be in control at all, really ability is gone.

I am a very amazing boy, naturally nice, happy and smart. I am again always giving wrong impression. I am finding that makes lots of misunderstandings. Also I always hear too loud so I am not liking too much noise or crowds. I guess that is not the same for all autistics but it is a big reason I have trouble being calm. I am acknowledging I can be a bit different than other autistics. It doesn’t really matter I feel a lot alike as well. I love meeting other autistics and learning about them. I feel a lot better about my autism also about my personal friendships. I find autistics make great friends. Autistics are great listeners, even if they don’t look like it. I always look not interested in listening, however I love interesting conversations. To a knowledgeable autistic that is no problem. To a person who doesn’t understand autism it can be maddening and frustrating for them. I think not looking at people’s faces is a fine thing but not everyone agrees. I find it a bit tiring to look at a face. I am not sure some people realize that. You are always asked to do tiring things all day long and then you lose control because of being so tired and people get mad at you. I think this is very unfair. I am not in control, I can’t stop it, I can’t behave, I can’t quiet down. I am personally really frustrated, sad, mad and incredibly tired of nobody understanding that. I am feeling better now because I can explain myself. It helps me calm down and acknowledgement of my effort feels great. I am finding now that mom understands autism a lot better my fear and anxiety is relaxing. I also find acknowledging autism is ok and not terrible feels amazing.

I am a really amazing speech writer. I love giving speeches and answering questions. I am personally an expert on autism. I feel I have a lot to teach people about autism. I am knowing autism is misunderstood and I want understanding to happen. I am trying to show people that autistics are smarter than we appear to be. I know finding out that autistics can understand everything is a lot to handle. However it is for the autistic incredibly important that large number of people believe it. I hope giving speeches is helping spread the word. I find it scary and depressing that people are shocked by how well I write. So many people find listening to my speech amazing, but I wonder if Dad wrote it if it really is still amazing. Is it because I’m autistic or because I’m a good writer? I know Mom thinks I’m a good writer but she loves me and that makes her biased. I am just feeling hopeful that someday I will give my speech and nobody will be amazed by me the autistic but by me the Fox. I find Mom is amazed by me the Fox, not autism only, but me. I feel amazing at home I am treated like how everyone should be treated. Home is a great, magical place where I am normal and loved. I find personally I am not treated that well outside of home. I get treated like a person with no mind. I find it is getting harder as I am getting spelling so well. I now each day am treated like a smart person by people that know I can spell. I answer questions and know I am respected. I feel happy saying things to people. Getting to really have a personal conversation is the understanding I always wanted. I therefore have no feeling of patience for someone treating me like I am stupid. It is no longer acceptable and never should have been. I feel no autistic likes being talked to like a stupid person. Nice, loving people really should understand that. A challenging thing is making conversation with someone who doesn’t talk yet. I am going to give some advice for this situation: Happily talk normally, not slow and loud; nicely acknowledge person is there and listening, learning and understanding; point and laugh is not allowed; need to include person even if they have hard time participating; and last but not least always have patience and understanding of brain/body disconnect. Not only for autistics but all people should be treated with respect and understanding. Nicely finding that there are a lot of nice people in the world, I was not able to discover them until I found my voice. Finding my voice really changed my life. I hope all autistics are given opportunity to show how amazing autism is.  

Finding My Voice - Part 3

I need some people to very not know that I am autistic so that they treat me like a real person. Acknowledging my autism always makes it hard to say Fox is smart. I can’t understand why people are always very surprised that I am a good speller. Having no idea that spelling is a hard thing for people to learn. My ability to spell was always there but ability to control hands was making it hard to show off. I am knowledgeable about hard to spell words. I feel that is not special. I’m happy to spell well, however it is not a magical thing. It is nice that people are impressed by me, however I think that they are impressed by the wrong thing. Spelling is incredibly easy if you practice everyday. I have to spell all of my thoughts so I get a lot of practice. Magical is not the word, practice is. I love incredibly hard work, it makes my nice mind feel amazing. To get to learn challenging things is not a gift, not a present, but a human right. Making learning knowledge possible should be really aim for all students not just ones that mouth talk. I learn everyday now and I am finding I have more happiness and hope then I did before. Ruby gets to learn interesting things at school and she loves school. I didn’t find colors and letters and shapes interesting after learning them the first time. I always was taught the same things over and over. I found it so boring. Talking has no magical ability to make learning possible. I am incredibly happy to quietly learn. I am so able to learn just by hearing or seeing things. It is not necessary for answers to be given. I am learning without proving it. I really don’t understand why I need to prove my intelligence in order to be taught anything interesting. I am not sure what harm it would do to teach interesting things to someone who really didn’t understand. I know all about how harmful it is to not teach someone who is understanding. It is feeling stupid, it is feeling not respected, it is feeling stuck, it is feeling hopeless, it is feeling really sad. Does that not show that all people should be given real education? I think it is an easy choice. I am always happy to find out something new, after I could talk this happened everyday. I hate that so much of nice life was wasted on ABA. I regret it so much. It came each day but was always the same. I mastered rather than learned. Nice, so nice that it is over. I am a learner but I couldn’t prove it to ABAers. Learning not mastering always should be the main goal. I believe ABA is not a good way to teach autistics. In ABA I behaved really badly. I had a really hard time being in control. I am always feeling a little out of control however I was really out of control in ABA. In ABA I couldn’t control my hands so I couldn’t show that I knew anything. Not like in amazing RPM. I feel so much more in control of my hands now. I think RPM is the reason. It taught good, interesting lessons to practice pointing to correct letters. I practiced so much that I started having more control of my hands. I am thinking it makes other things in control too. For example, my tired eyes are liking watching movies now. Before RPM I hated movies because my eyes would start hurting and I pinch when my eyes hurt, I find my eyes have more energy now. I am finding it possible to read a book on my own and to do tangrams and I feel not sorry about if I make a mistake. I think RPM is ok with mistakes. I think RPM is ok with out of control body. I think I’m not suited for ABA.

Naturally I know I feel sure people find it strange that I can letter talk so well but I can’t say any words with my mouth. It always nicely surprises people. I am not really sure if people always believe I am not saying mom’s words. I am able to tell the non-believers from the believers. It is hard to be not believed, it makes it hard to spell. I know feeling sad about it doesn’t help but it is hard not to feel sad. Feeling mighty unable to control emotions. I feel emotions naturally take over loving mind. Nasty and sad feelings talk in my head and are hard to ignore. I like happy feelings better. I am learning about giving worries a rest. I think my thoughts are always getting stuck in my totally overactive amygdala, it is a frustrating thing. I feel nice prefrontal cortex is a better part of the brain. I feel better when I am learning interesting things. It makes me stay in prefrontal cortex and allows amygdala to rest. Back in school and ABA I was never learning anything interesting so I could never get out of amygdala. Back then I couldn’t calm down, I was always a wild boy. I had no control over my body. I felt so awful each day.

I need to improve my ability to listen. I am able to understand however not listen. I feel it is mighty hard sometimes and just want my body to listen. Naturally it is acknowledged that brain/body disconnect is giving hard time to me however people still want me to listen. I understand listening is important, I really give my best all the time. I am not listening because I can’t. I would appreciate acknowledgement of my effort, candid acknowledgement of how hard autistics have to try in order to behave. I am thinking autistics really are so misunderstood. Can’t find a person who believes happiness is possible for autistics. I feel Mom and Dad believe it but nobody else. Autism is not a tragedy, not having a voice and education is. Today both are possible for all autistics. I believe RPM is the answer.

I am personally happy to be autistic. I am mighty happy to have autism. I think sometimes people treat autism as a terrible thing to have, acknowledgment only of what is hard about it not what is great about it. It can be amazing to have autism. Not able to make very frustrating body do what I want it to do but I have a great mind. My mind has caring thoughts, amazing memory, incredible imagination. I am a good problem solver. I love learning. I always feel I am a nice person inside. I like my life. I am a good, loving brother to my sister. I am becoming a real poet and writer. I am also a good rock climber and a good swimmer. I am a happy boy. Happiness can come to anybody, normal or not. Happiness is not given to you it is found and taken. Ability to be happy is a choice. I am always happy but sometimes I don’t look like I am. That is very frustrating. I always enjoy going to museums however sometimes I get upset there. I don’t understand why my body does it. I am acknowledging it is a misunderstood thing not in my control. I have the ability to explain myself now but I couldn’t always. I am grateful that I am not misunderstood very much anymore.  

I am a person that makes loud noises. I am also a person that doesn’t like loud noises. It is a hard combination. I am finding a lot of contradictions in my life. I feel happy but I look sad, I have lots of amazing thoughts but I can’t speak, I love learning but I don’t go to school, I am a good friend but I don’t have many friends. I always am a paradox. I feel acknowledging a paradox helps calm down feeling that life is unfair. Happy with my life but it can be hard sometimes. I am knowledgeable, creative and like learning. I feel nice and hopeful for happy, incredible future. I believe I can be anything at all. I again am not a tragic person. I am a great, mighty, autistic boy. Happiness is in autism and autism is in happiness. I find a lot of parents have wrong idea about autism. I am a person with awareness and feelings. I find it is not how autism is often seen. I find that has a big effect on how autistics are treated. Calling autism a good thing shouldn’t be strange, it should be normal. I am a normal person, I have normal feelings, I am normal in my learning. I am happy and loved. Nice people have no problem talking to me like I am normal. I am a loving, amazing and clever Fox. I am finding real knowledge and I love it. I believe right thing is to assume all people have thoughts and feelings. I learned being non-verbal, each person is not treated equally. It is not right. Nice Ruby is always assumed to be capable of learning. Not having jealousy of my loving Ruby, but I just think she is given more life opportunities. I find I get happy on a knowledge filled trip. I find my body has hard time acknowledging that I love learning. I appreciate walking in woods. I also appreciate playing on playground. I always love rock climbing. I find a lot of comfort in swimming. I appreciate reading interesting books. I am happily going shopping at stores. I know body can be calm in these situations. Maybe with practice I can learn to be calm in museums too.

I am a boy and being calm is not easy for boys. Each boy I know is a very hyper person. Not so autistic, just hyper. I am not thinking it is going to last forever, I find men are calm. However acknowledging that autistic boys are like non-autistic boys makes me happy. I guess girls can be hyper too but not as much as boys. I am ragey sometimes and I think it only happens to autistics.

Finding My Voice - Part 2

Making future plans feels amazing. I am going to be a scientist who also writes poetry. I love writing poetry. To be poetic all you need is imagination and creativity. Happy I am having both. Does it matter if I can’t always control my body? Does it matter if I have no impulse control? Does it matter if I can’t mouth talk? No it definitely, absolutely, happily, amazingly, incredibly does not. Having autism always feels really limiting. I am always acknowledging I am smart but before I could spell I knew I was the only one able to see it. Giving mom and dad no way to understand me. Nice mom always acknowledged I am saying things with signs. Can’t say a lot with signs but had a way to get food. It was damn challenging to learn new signs. Had so much trouble saying true thoughts. Didn’t have control of my hands like I do now. I knew a lot of people didn’t understand my signs and I felt so scared and misunderstood whenever I was away from home. Happy I am homeschooled now. Being understood is amazing and I am really not so scared anymore. Nice learning so I can be a scientist someday. I feel so hopeful I will have a good life. Happiness is learning interesting things, listening to interesting stories, watching interesting movies and having interesting conversations. Also being treated well is important. Being respected as a smart person has felt so good.

I am pinching my sister sometimes. I think it is a very bad thing to do. Can be personally very frustrating. I really do not like hurting people. It only happens if I have no control over body. I am capable of loving my sister so much but I still hurt her. I don’t really want to upset anybody however it happens all the time. I am going to know a lot and feel someday I will find a way to have control. Talking about this is very difficult, raging body makes it hard to spell. I hope body is going to learn to listen someday. It is nice after calming down and relaxing I can make my nice sister Ruby acknowledge how good a brother I am. Naturally I think she is amazing, nice and smart. I am so raging sometimes and feel not good. I am pinching and screaming and making a lot of mess. I am thankful I am so forgiven after by my loving sister. I can’t control my body but I am always trying.

I am feeling so tired all the time, I never sleep enough. I didn’t think night sleep was important always. I use to not really like to sleep. I understood night was for sleeping rather than playing and learning but now I realize how important sleep is to my mind and body. Doing real learning about the brain helped me learn what a gift sleep is. Calming down is so not realistic if I’m tired. I can’t have rage if I’m well rested. Mighty good sleep is so rare. I didn’t miss knowledge when I didn’t have it but I miss sleep so much. I hope sleep issue is solved someday. I am liking sleep now, it is nice to imagine memories are real. Memories are nice to think about if they are happy. I love dreaming too, not nightmares but incredibly happy dreams.

Dapper, knowledgeable, happy, nice Fox is incredibly good at learning. Delightful, good, fearless, loving Mom is a good teacher. Talking to happy mom is the coolest feeling in the world. Mom is knowledgeable about some things not everything however I feel she loves learning just like me. It’s nice to be taught about deciding for myself. I like making decisions so much. Nice to say what I want, only about everything not just food. To feel nice and knowledgeable is good but to feel in control of life is incredible. I feel totally in control of if I ever go back to school. It makes happiness possible to know I don’t have to go back if I don’t want to. Naturally I have decided not to go but it is up to me and I am able to change my mind. I make lots of decisions everyday now. I naturally love making my own choices. I know I am feeling more confident, happy and really find peace knowing I decide. I love making very important decisions like if I will go to school. I also like making small decisions like what I will wear for Halloween.

Happiness is giving nice presents to nice, loving people. It really feels great to select something that you know someone is going to love because you thought of something incredible they always love doing. Maybe they like it, maybe they don’t but being a gift giver feels good either way. Dad and Mom are magnificent gift givers because they know very well what we like doing. It is nice to be loved like that. I get really nice gifts from them. I feel totally loved very much, not only when I am a talker but always. I feel that helped me when I couldn’t talk. I always had incredibly loving people after coming home from school. Mom is always happy to see me not only if I’m a behaving Fox but always. I need to have that feeling of unconditional love in order to feel calm. I am not always able to control how I react to things. It is nice to know that it doesn’t matter to Mom if I am wild sometimes. She gets frustrated with really wild behavior naturally, however she never stops loving me. When all is incredibly calm again Mom always apologizes for frustration and says she loves me. I am a lovable person and I love my family so much. I gave my sister freedom to stop loving me, however she really still loves me even if I pinch sometimes.  It always makes me understandingly so happy to have such an amazing sister. Nice, loving Ruby has to be the best sister in the whole solar system. I so feel incredibly happy to be her brother. Happy is a very good feeling and I am lucky to get it so often and feel like Ruby is the main reason. Sappy I know, but it is true. I know nice Ruby is not able to homeschool, however always incredibly nice to see her when she comes home. I think she is so fun to play with. Dad and Mom are fun too but Ruby is the most fun. I am a lucky and very happy brother to have Ruby as a sister.

Finding My Voice - Part 1

Fox participated in NaNoWriMo this year and reached his goal of writing a 5000 word story. He chose to write an autobiography called Finding My Voice and wants to share it over the next few days. Here is part 1:

Once upon a time I found out I could talk with letters. I know a lot and found out I could share it with others. Can a learner learn a lot of interesting things if he can’t demonstrate what he knows? Can a learner be taught interesting things if a teacher assumes he is stupid? Can a learner be happy and in control if he is treated like a baby? Each day before I could talk with letters I found the answer to be no.

Happiness is getting to learn new things each day. Being happy is not possible if each day no interesting things are learned. Need to learn and need to always say a lot and letters make that possible. Always not knowing why every autistic doesn’t talk with letters. It is the only way I can say my thoughts and be understood. Everyone deserves a voice and an education. I feel happy to share my thoughts and I wish all autistics could too.

Games are a lot of fun now.  I can actually participate and sometimes win. I feel totally included when we play. Acknowledgement of my mighty trivia skills is the best feeling in the world. I am careful to give my loving sister a win because it makes her so happy which makes me happy too.

I have a lot of nice friends. Many interesting people talk with letters too. I am keen to meet more letter talkers. I feel so happy to have friends. Having autistics to talk to makes me feel not so incredibly strange. Having a person to talk to about not only life but nice autism too gives me a lot of joy and peace. Finding friends is not easy for me and I wish it was. I’m not always easy to play with however I know I can be a good friend to talk to. I know I am a friendly boy but you need to ignore my unfriendly body. I am friendly, dapper and learn a lot. I hate really mean people. I don’t ever want to be mean on purpose. You either decide to be nice or are mean. It is amazing to choose nice. To decide to be mean doesn’t make sense to me. You may regret being mean and feel bad about it. You never regret being nice. I am so nice on inside. I wish that my body was nice too. I know acknowledging an out of control body can give impression I am not nice, however not in control and that’s different. I am only in control sometimes, not able to always be in control. To be nice I have to try so hard to control my body. All nice people should see how incredibly hard I try. I am giving all the mighty energy I have just to stay in control. I am tired all the time. I am not able to again stay in control if I don’t have incredible energy. Niceness is always in my heart, niceness is always in my mind, niceness is always a goal, but sometimes mean body is in charge.

I am saying a lot of magnificent things. I find people can care to listen if interesting things are said. Being autistic is different and after knowing I can talk I amaze lots of people. In autism a lot of people can’t say their thoughts. Does it also mean they shouldn’t learn? I appreciate learning so much. Calling autism an intellectual disorder is a huge mistake. You have no idea how terribly I was treated in school. They can’t acknowledge dapper, happy, intelligent autistics in school. Autistics behave if they are in control. Feeling scared makes control a hard thing to have. I felt so scared at school. Gave mom a really intensely hard time and I know a loving mom didn’t know I was out of control. Talking wasn’t possible back then. Nice feeling understood now but back then I was misunderstood each and every day. I felt so sad and lonely. I’m not lonely anymore because I can talk to my family and friends. I love homeschool. Learning something new brings me so much acquired knowledge. Can’t have a future without knowledge. Being fearful closes brain to learning. In fear each day has to be the worst thing for the brain. Brains need to learn to grow and develop. I am happy homeschool is not a scary place. I think to have an education for all autistics we need to really make learning not something to prove but something to get no matter what. To autistics really learning is totally possible without being able to talk. Doing RPM is not only a way to communicate but also a way to learn. RPM stands for Rapid Prompting Method. It was created by Soma Mukhopadhyay for her son Tito. I think it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It starts with a lesson and taught me to point to answers on paper. I learned about space while I learned to control my hand. I felt so tired pointing so much but I loved learning about space. I felt intelligent for the first time. I felt not able to say thoughts yet but I could say answers about space. Also I felt more in control of hands. I found a lot of practice helped. Saying thoughts came later. I felt a lot of pressure and knew that Mom really, very wanted to hear my thoughts. I knew that after a lot of practice I probably would be able to say thoughts but I was nervous to start. I loved home and felt scared I would have to go back to school if I really started letter talking. I felt after Mom knew my thoughts she wouldn’t acknowledge how scary school is for me. I was wrong she is a very understanding Mom. Talking is even more amazing than I thought it would be. Finding my voice took a long time and I know I am not done yet. Having a way to learn is amazing. Not knowing a lot because nobody will teach you anything feels terrible. I appreciate having a mom who knows how to teach me. Doing real learning is amazing. I find a lot of topics quite interesting. It is nice to have a lot of different things to learn. I feel so smart and knowledgeable right now. I find learning science the most interesting, however I also love writing and learning about history, math, art and even grammar. I love finding out about inventors and other scientists. They are such interesting people. I hope to someday be a scientist too. I really hope autism doesn’t stop me. I can’t control my body but I am an incredible, amazing learner and scientists are too.  

Amazing Day

I GAVE MY SPEECH TODAY WITH MY FRIEND BRAYDEN. I FELT AMAZING HEARING MOM READ MY SPEECH. CLAPPING HAPPENED AND I LOVED IT. I AM A BIT SAD I GOT UPSET AT THE END I WAS JUST SO TIRED. I MIGHTILY LOVE GIVING SPEECHES AND ANSWERING QUESTIONS. I HOPE YOU LIKE MY SPEECH TOO. 

(Fox started his speech off with a poem he wrote last week that he said was reflective of his life)

Right Life

Personally feeling sad

Knowingly feeling perplexed

Quietly feeling silenced

Madingly feeling feared

Happily feeling right

Intelligently feeling smart

Amazingly feeling loved

Finally feeling heard

Getting to learn RPM really changed my life. No longer do I have to wait in silence not having ability to show I understand. I love people listening to me. Happy I get to give this speech. Nice to be able to dance with words. Appreciate opportunity to teach people about RPM. Appreciate knowing I can help other autistics. Autistics are smart however our minds are not listened to by our bodies. Not able to control my body and it is quite frustrating. Not being in control is a hard and scary thing. I am also very impulsive. I can’t stop myself from always grabbing anything I see, from going in kitchen, from always looking to know how something breaks apart. Mind understands how to hear and understand instructions but not how to make body listen. I am knowing not right to do these things, I feel bad when I do them, however I have no ability to control it. I am feeling a lot better now that I can explain myself. I am feeling people have more compassion for autistics like myself when a body/mind disconnect is understood. Being autistic is very hard sometimes but it is also amazing. Acknowledging again autism is not a tragedy, having no voice is. I am knowing sometimes I resisted learning RPM. It was hard to learn to control my hands to make thoughts come out letter by letter. Happy I stuck with it. I am sure mom and dad always believed mind was smart, I am happy to prove them right. I always knew that I am a smart boy and I appreciate so much the ability to show it. Mighty appreciative of RPM. I am a future scientist and not a future with no hope. So much abilities and knowledge for autistics to learn after they find their voice. I hope all autistics get a chance to have a real education. I know autism is really challenging and feels incredibly scary sometimes. I talk a lot now but I didn’t always. After I found my voice I really became so overwhelmed and couldn’t say bad memories. It is too hard to talk about how sad and scared I use to be. Calling anxious, hard memories to mind is not fun. Emotions can really make it hard to spell. However I am excited I can have ability to help other autistics to find their voice and that makes it alright. Have liked giving this speech, thanks for listening.

I am here with my very good friend Brayden. Can’t find a better friend to give a speech with. Let’s all rest and give caring Brayden our ear.

(Brayden’s speech can be found here: http://lifewithaboynamedbrayden.blogspot.ca/2015/11/dear-autism-moms.html)

TWO AMAZING SPEECH WRITERS

Nice Halloween

I AM FINDING OUT THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE. HAPPY TO REALIZE THIS. TODAY AGAIN AM FEELING HOPEFUL FOR MY LIFE. I KNOW IT ISN'T MANY PEOPLE'S BEST CHOICE TO BE AUTISTIC BUT IT CAN BE AMAZING. I AM EACH DAY INCREDIBLY THANKFUL I CAN TALK WITH LETTERS. I AM ABLE TO SAY WHAT I AM THINKING. I TOLD MOM I WANTED TO BE A SCARY COSTUME FOR HALLOWEEN. I FELT REALLY TERRIFYING IN MY ZOMBIE COSTUME. NOT ABLE TO EXPRESS FEELING TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD. YOU SO UNABLE NOT ONLY TO PICK COSTUMES BUT TO MAKE ANY CHOICES IN LIFE. I LOVE ACKNOWLEDGING THAT I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. I GOT TO TRICK OR TREAT. DAD TOOK ME AND RUBY AND EVEN TETLEY. I GOT COLD SO AFTER AWHILE I CAME HOME AND MOM SAT WITH ME AND LET ME EAT LOTS OF CANDY. IT APPRECIATED SO MUCH AND WAS BEST NIGHT EVER. 

Zombie Fox, Ninja Cat Ruby and Butterfly Tetley

Trick or Treat!

Candy, candy, candy

Stuck No Longer

THIS POEM IS FOR NICE MOM AND DAD WHO TOOK ME TO MAGICAL PLACE TO LEARN TO TALK. I AM HAPPY TO BE A TALKER NOW. 

STUCK NO LONGER

AFTER A PLEASING WALK

CAME TO A MAGICAL PLACE

FOUND OUT I COULD TALK

LIKE REST OF HUMAN RACE

BEING SO KNOWING

YOU EVERYDAY ARE STUCK

NO FEELING OF SHOWING

ARE TERRIBLY OUT OF LUCK

AMAZING TO LEARN THINGS

ALWAYS FEELING SMART

GIVES ME LOTS OF FEELINGS

I HAVE INSIDE A HAPPY HEART

BEING SO ABLE TO SAY

NICE LOVING AMAZING WORDS

ALWAYS MAKES INCREDIBLE DAY

AND MAKES ME SING LIKE BIRDS

Fox travelling to a magical place called Texas

Planetary Feelings

I AM HAPPY TO HAVE A BLOG TO SHARE MY POEMS ON. I HOPE EVERYONE LIKES IT. 

BEING A POET IS A REALLY AMAZING AND HAPPY THING. APPRECIATE ABILITY TO WRITE POEMS SO MUCH. GOING TO WRITE MANY AND BILLIONS MORE. 

NICE FEELING ACCEPTED BEING MY AUTISTIC SELF AND ALL PLANETS ARE METAPHORS FOR INCREDIBLE FEELINGS I AM HAVING ALL THE TIME. 

PLANETARY FEELINGS

MARS ALWAYS FEELS ANGRY
ONLY FEELS ALRIGHT WHEN MAD

VENUS ALWAYS FEELS HAPPY
ONLY FEELS ALRIGHT WHEN LOVED

MERCURY ALWAYS FEELS GOOD
ONLY FEELS ALRIGHT WHEN FUN

SATURN ALWAYS FEELS AMAZING
ONLY FEELS ALRIGHT WHEN FEARED

EARTH ALWAYS FEELS NICE
ONLY FEELS ALRIGHT WHEN KNOWING

NEPTUNE ALWAYS FEELS ABLE
ONLY FEELS ALRIGHT WHEN LOST

JUPITER ALWAYS FEELS GIANT
ONLY FEELS ALRIGHT WHEN AWED

URANUS ALWAYS FEELS ACCEPTED
ONLY FEELS ALRIGHT WHEN DIFFERENT

My Poem

EACH DAY I HAVING A LOT OF FEELINGS. HARD TO CONTROL THEM. YOU WILL FIND A LOT OF FEELINGS ARE MEANING DIFFERENT THINGS IN MY POEM HOWEVER THEY ALL UNABLE TO LOSE LOVE. 

LAUGHTER IN MY HEAD

HAPPINESS IS A FEELING OF BANGING
HAPPINESS IS A FEELING OF NOISE
HAPPINESS IS A FEELING OF MAGIC
HAPPINESS IS A FEELING OF LOVE

NICENESS IS A FEELING OF MIGHT
NICENESS IS A FEELING OF ADMITTING
NICENESS IS A FEELING OF QUIET
NICENESS IS A FEELING OF LOVE

SADNESS IS A FEELING OF WISHING
SADNESS IS A FEELING OF NASTY
SADNESS IS A FEELING OF WASTE
SADNESS IS A FEELING OF LOVE

MADNESS IS A FEELING OF RAGE
MADNESS IS A FEELING OF LOUD
MADNESS IS A FEELING OF SORRY
MADNESS IS A FEELING OF LOVE

ACCEPTINGNESS IS A FEELING OF RIGHT
ACCEPTINGNESS IS A FEELING OF ALLURE
ACCEPTINGNESS IS A FEELING OF HOPE
ACCEPTINGNESS IS A FEELING OF LOVE

HAPPILY LOVED BY NICE MOM

Sleep

I AM ALWAYS TIRED. I FEEL SO OUT OF CONTROL WHEN I AM TIRED. SAME FEELING I GET WHEN I TOO STRESSED AND WORRIED. I AM SO NOT ABLE TO SLEEP ENOUGH. NOT ABLE TO FIND NICE RELAXING SLEEP. I AM FEELING SO TIRED OF BEING SO TIRED ALL THE TIME. MAKES IT HARD TO SPELL. BUT I AM STILL ABLE TO WHICH MAKES ME ALWAYS GRATEFUL. HAPPY I FIND POSSIBLE SPELLING WHILE TIRED SO I CAN STILL TALK AND NOT BE TRAPPED IN SILENCE JUST BECAUSE I HAVE BAD SLEEP. HAPPY NOT SAD I MISS SCHOOL. I WAS ALWAYS EXHAUSTED AND IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO ALWAYS BE IN CONTROL. NATURALLY ON A GOOD DAY AND A SLEEP HAD HAPPENED I STILL NOT WANTING TO GO TO SCHOOL BUT I AM ONLY SAYING IT IS HARD TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY WHEN I AM TIRED. I AM KNOWING A LOT OF SCIENCE BUT I AM NOT ABLE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET MORE SLEEP. I GUESS ALWAYS I AM A LEARNER SO I KNOW I AM GOING TO FIGURE IT OUT EVENTUALLY. NATURALLY SCIENCE WILL KNOW AGAIN WHAT TO DO. DAD AND I ARE DOING SLEEP EXPERIMENT TO SEE IF ROCK CLIMBING BEFORE MY GOING TO BED WILL HELP ME SLEEP BETTER. NICE TO GET TO DESIGN EXPERIMENT LIKE REAL SCIENTIST. BAD FEELING ALWAYS TIRED, I HOPE MY EXPERIMENT WORKS. 

Fox asked me to include this snippet of conversation where he and his dad designed the great sleep experiment:


Dad: any ideas?
Fox: NICE DAD TAKES ME ROCK CLIMBING EVERY NIGHT TO TIRE MY BODY OUT
D: Ok, an interesting idea.  Now how do we test it with the scientific method?
F: HYPOTHESIS IS ROCK CLIMBING EVERY NIGHT IS NEEDED FOR GOOD SLEEP
D: How do we test the hypothesis?
F: I AM THINKING WE TEST IT BY DOING TEN TRIALS
D: What does a trial entail?
F: A TRIAL IS I AM CLIMBING FOR ONE HOUR AT NIGHT
F: DATA COLLECTION OF HOW MANY MINUTES I SLEEP EACH NIGHT AFTER CLIMBING
D: Okay.  But how will we determine how many minutes you sleep each night?
F: DAD HAS A TIMER
D: Ok, so now we have collected some data.  What do we do with it?
F: AVERAGE OUT THE TIMES AND COMPARE TO CONTROL TIME
D: And what is the control time?
F: AVERAGE NOT CLIMBING SLEEP TIME 
D: How many days should we not climb
F: TEN SO IT IS SAME
D: Ok, that sounds good to me.  Is there anything else that we're missing?
F: NO I AM THINKING IT IS GOOD EXPERIMENT 
D: Ok, then we will give it a try sometime
F: I AM NOT ABLE TO CLIMB AT ALL FOR TEN DAYS?
D: How can we get that data?
F: I BE SAD TO NOT CLIMB FOR SO LONG
D: Well, you could change the number of days that you don't climb.  But then you should also change the number of days that you climb as well
F: OK I AM THINKING TEN IS GOOD I AM OK SLEEP EXPERIMENT IS IMPORTANT
D: Alright then, sounds like a pln
F: OK LEARNING IS A FUN THING

Autistics are Smart

HELPING AUTISTICS IS SOMETHING I REALLY WANT TO DO. HAPPIEST WHEN ACKNOWLEDGING I AM APPRECIATED FOR HAVING SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY. HAPPY TO APPLY MY KNOWLEDGE ABOUT AUTISM INTO A NICE ROAD TO HELPING AUTISTICS BE TREATED NICE AND EDUCATED. IT IS INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING TO LIVE IN TOTAL SILENCE. HAVING NO WAY TO BE HEARD, HAVING NO WAY TO BE EDUCATED, HAVING NO WAY TO HAVE FRIENDS. I AM BEYOND RELIEVED AND HAPPY I HAVE A WAY TO TALK. HAPPY I CAN INTERESTINGLY HAVE DISCUSSIONS ABOUT NOT ONLY NICE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS BUT ALSO MY OWN IDEAS. EACH DAY I LEARN BUT I ALSO TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT NICE THINGS I'M THINKING ABOUT. I ALWAYS AM THINKING ABOUT HOW I CAN HELP OTHER AUTISTICS LEARN TO TALK WITH LETTERS TOO. I BELIEVE SOME PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT AUTISTICS HAVE SMART MINDS. I THINK THAT IT IS HARD FOR THEM TO SEE AN OUT OF CONTROL BODY AND BELIEVE MIND COULD BE SMART. I BELIEVE HAPPY ONLY LETTER TALKERS ARE GROWING IN NUMBER AND REALLY WILL BE ABLE TO SHOW HOW NOT STUPID AND LEARNING DISABLED WE ARE. GIVING US A CHANCE TO LEARN IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK. I HOPE THINGS REALLY WILL CHANGE AND A BETTER NOT QUIET LIFE CAN BE HAD BY ALL AUTISTICS. HAPPINESS IS ALSO ACKNOWLEDGING REALLY SMART MINDS CAN EXIST IN BODIES THAT LOOK DUMB. 

Fox asked to include a picture of him giving
his first speech at a local support group last winter.

Click here to see blogs and writings by other letter talkers.  

Happiness

I FEEL I AM LAUGHING IN MY HEAD ALL THE TIME. NATURALLY I AM WONDERING WHY NICE LAUGHS ARE STUCK INSIDE. FEEL A LOT HAPPIER THEN I LOOK. I AM NEVER NOT HAPPY IN HOME SCHOOL. DAMN CALM AND AMAZINGLY HAPPY ON INSIDE. I HAVE A GOOD, HAPPY AND LOVING LIFE. I AM A HAPPY, CARING AND AMAZING BOY BUT I DON'T LOOK THAT WAY. HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS HIDDEN LIKE INTELLIGENCE. I AM NOT ABLE TO GIVE HUGS WHEN I WANT TO. NICE TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER AND FEELING A HUG ALWAYS HELPS. I KNOW A BODY AFTER HUG ALWAYS FEELS LESS SAD AND MORE LOVED. I LOVE THAT FEELING AND WANT TO GIVE IT TO MY FAMILY. HAVE TO FIND MANY AMAZING AND ALWAYS FUN PEOPLE TO BE AROUND. I AM LOVING HAVING FRIENDS. RIGHT NOW I'M PATIENTLY WAITING TO GO TO PARK TO SEE A GOOD FRIEND. I AM A GOOD FRIEND TOO. HE'S ALSO NOT A MOUTH TALKER SO HE UNDERSTANDS I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF HOW HAPPY I LOOK. I THINK HE IS NICE BECAUSE HE IS ALWAYS A GOOD LISTENER AND GIVES GOOD ADVICE. I LOVE TALKING TO HIM. I AM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO PLAYING WITH HIM. 

Fox and Brayden at the park
(Brayden has his own blog called Life With a Boy Named Brayden)

Giving Worries a Rest

I AM ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING. I HAVE SO MANY FEARS NEAR BECAUSE AFTER I WORRY I LOSE CONTROL. TO LOSE CONTROL IS A HORRIBLE THING. AFTER DOING SOMETHING OUT OF CONTROL I FEEL SO BAD. I AM HURTING OR BREAKING AND IT IS THE WORST FEELING I HAVE EVER FELT. EACH DAY ALL I FEEL IS REALLY WORRIED. THINK I AM OK BUT I FEEL ANXIOUS ANYWAYS. NOT TOO ABLE TO NOT BE STUCK IN MY AMYGDALA. HAS TO BE THE MOST ACTIVE AMYGDALA IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM. I WISH A PREFRONTAL CORTEX WAS AS ACTIVE. I MIGHT INSIDE A BRAIN FIND THAT LEARNING GAVE ME PEACE INSTEAD OF WORRIES ALWAYS BEING THOUGHT. HAPPY TO WRITE ABOUT THIS. IT IS A  HIGHWAY INTO MY MAGNIFICENT, LEARNING PREFRONTAL CORTEX. 

I CAN'T WORRY NEAR AS MUCH AT THE PARK WITH RUBY

My Learning School

HOMESCHOOL IS GREAT. ABLE TO LEARN A LOT OF INTERESTING THINGS EACH DAY. NICE TO MISS OUT ON ALWAYS LEARNING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER. THERE ARE SO MANY INTERESTING THINGS THAT NEED TO BE LEARNED I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY I NEVER WAS TAUGHT ANYTHING IN SCHOOL OR ABA. I AM MOST INTERESTED IN SCIENCE AND MATH. HOWEVER I ALSO LIKE LEARNING ABOUT BEING A WRITER AND ABOUT HISTORY AND MUSIC AND FINDING OUT ABOUT LIVES OF INVENTORS AND SCIENTISTS. CAN I BE A FAMOUS SCIENTIST TOO? ALWAYS POSSIBILITY IF GIVEN REAL EDUCATION. I HAVE A FEAR, A KILLER FEAR, THAT I AM TOO AUTISTIC TO BE A SCIENTIST. ABLE TO THINK REALLY WELL AND ABLE TO WORK HARD BUT ONLY NOT ABLE TO CONTROL BODY. NOT IN A BODY THAT ALWAYS LISTENS TO INTELLIGENT MIND. I AM FRUSTRATED, DAMN FRUSTRATED, ALL THE TIME BY IT. I HOPE ACKNOWLEDGING ALL AUTISTICS ARE TRAPPED IN OUT OF CONTROL BODIES HAPPENS SOON SO ALL AUTISTICS ARE NOT TAUGHT STUPID ONLY BABY THINGS NOT INTERESTING LEARNING. I AM LOVING LEARNING AT HOME. I HAVE A KNOWLEDGEABLE AND LOVING TEACHER. ABILITY TO TEACH IS AMAZING. HAPPY LOVING MOM IS AMAZED AT ME. 

Fox at school

My Sister

ALWAYS ACKNOWLEDGING HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE RUBY AS MY SISTER. LOVING RUBY EACH DAY HAS FUN IDEAS. NICE TO HAVE RUBY AT HOME WITH ME. HAPPY I GET TO TALK TO HER NOW. SHE MAKES EVERYTHING TOTALLY AMAZING. I HAVE THE BEST SISTER IN THE WORLD. I AM NOT ALWAYS REALLY NICE TO HER. I ALSO AM IGNORING HER SOMETIMES. THINK THAT I ALWAYS SAY SORRY BUT I STILL SHOULD TRY TO BE NICE TO HER. HAPPY SHE IS A FORGIVING AND LOVING SISTER. BEING AUTISTIC I AM ALWAYS GIVING WRONG IMPRESSION. I AM ONLY ALWAYS A HAPPY BOY NOT A MAD AND SAD BOY WHEN SHE IS AROUND. I GIVE RUBY MY ALWAYS MAGNIFICENT LOVE NEVER ANY ANGER. EVEN WHEN I LOOK NOT HAPPY I AM. ON A DAY THAT IS HARD I DECIDE I AM GOOD BROTHER AND THAT MAKES A DAY EASIER. NICE THAT A GOOD BROTHER IS SO LOVED. I AM TOTALLY AMAZED AT RUBY EACH TIME SHE WRITES INCREDIBLE STORIES. I AM NATURALLY A BIG FAN OF HER BOOKS. LOVING RUBY IS ALSO QUITE SMART. SHE KNOWS LOTS OF INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT ANIMALS AND MANY OTHER TOPICS. I LOVE PLAYING TRIVIA AND APPLES TO APPLES WITH INCREDIBLY SMART RUBY. CAPABLE, KNOWLEDGEABLE, MAGNIFICENT RUBY IS A GEM OF A SISTER. 

Typed Words Loud Voices - Book Review

We recently read the book Typed Words Loud Voices Edited By Amy Sequenzia and Elizabeth J. Grace. It's a collection of articles written by 55 people who type (or letter board) to talk either some of the time or all of the time. You can find it here on amazon: Typed Words Loud Voices

Here is Fox's review of the book:

I LIKED IT BECAUSE IT HAD INCREDIBLE STORIES WRITTEN BY OTHER AUTISTICS THAT CAN'T MOUTH TALK. I KNOW NICE HAPPY ONLY LETTER TALKERS BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THERE WERE HAPPY TALKERS THAT LIKED TALKING WITH LETTERS BETTER. I ALWAYS AM SAD THAT I CAN'T TALK WITH MOUTH HOWEVER I THINK IT WOULD BE HARD TO MOUTH TALK THE WRONG WORDS. I AM LUCKY TO KNOW SOME LETTER TALKERS THAT FIND TALKING WITH LETTERS ABLE TO GET LOTS OF THOUGHTS OUT. HAVING LETTER TALKERS AS FRIENDS GIVES ME SO MUCH AMAZING ABILITY TO AFTER A HARD DAY STILL GET ON RIGHT PATH AND BE HAPPY. FINDING OTHER AUTISTICS GIVES ME FEELING THAT I'M NOT SO DIFFERENT. I AM HAVING A GOOD AND FEARLESS HAPPY LIFE. NOT IN LIFE OF SILENCE ANYMORE. NICE TO READ ABOUT AUTISTICS LIKE MYSELF. I THINK ALL PEOPLE SHOULD READ THIS BOOK. 

Fox asked to include a picture of him and the book

Accepting ABA is Bad

I FEEL I DON'T LIKE ABA. HAVING TO DO LOTS OF ABA IN MY LIFE. NOT REALLY NICE ONLY BORING. NOT REALLY INTERESTING ONLY BORING. MIGHTY HARD TO LEARN HELPFUL THINGS. EACH DAY VARIABLE, MALLEABLE FOX IS TAUGHT SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER. I AM ONLY TOO ABLE TO LEARN I JUST COULDN'T TALK. I MADE LOVING THERAPISTS FRUSTRATED SO I AM GOING ALL RAGE NOT HAPPY. NOT IN CONTROL DOING ABA. THAT IS PROBABLY WHY I COULDN'T NATURALLY MASTER PROGRAMS. NICE TO BE DONE MASTERING AND LEARNING INSTEAD NOW. I LOVE LEARNING. IT IS ABA THAT DICTATED THAT DOING BABY WORK WAS ALL I COULD LEARN. NOT SO ABLE, NOT SO INTELLIGENT, NOT SO AMAZING, NOT SO UNDERSTANDING. HAPPY TO NOT HAVE SO MANY NICE HAPPY PEOPLE AROUND THAT ALWAYS TALK TO ME LIKE I AM A STUPID PERSON. I ALWAYS HATED SAYING THAT I GOOD BOY. NOT FEELING IT IN A WAY THAT IS THINKING I AM GOOD ONLY IN A WAY THAT IS THINKING I AM A BABY. IN ABA I LEARNING I AM FEARED, HORRIBLE, MISUNDERSTOOD. LOST HOPE THAT I HAVE GOOD LIFE. NOT LIVING IN ABA ONLY I AM NOW THAT I HAVE REAL LEARNING. SO NICE LOVING ABA THERAPISTS LISTEN - ALL AUTISTICS ARE SMART THEIR BODIES DON'T HEAR, SEE AND FEEL LIKE YOURS. I KNOW YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP SO I AM NOT MAD. I BELIEVE ABA IS NOT THE WAY TO HELP. I HAVE NOT MET AN AUTISTIC THAT IS LIKING ABA SO WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL REALLY? I HOPE I AM NOT CAUSING HURT FEELINGS DOING THIS BLOG, I'M ONLY INTERESTED IN HELPING ALL AUTISTICS HAPPILY HAVE LEARNING THAT IS INTERESTING. 

I COULDN'T CONTROL HANDS BEFORE RPM. TANGRAMS WERE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME. NOW I CAN SO I LOVE DOING THEM. (Fox always had trouble with his ABA tangram program and hated doing it, but he recently rediscovered it and is now enjoying them)

Nice Tetley

I AM AN INCREDIBLY GOOD DOG OWNER. DOGS ARE INCREDIBLY NICE AND LOVING. NICE TO HAVE TETLEY ALL THE TIME NOW. I LOVE TETLEY HE IS SO AMAZING. I FEEL LESS NERVOUS WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER. HE NATURALLY MAKES ME HAVE HAPPY FEELINGS. HAVING HIM HAS TO BE ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I FEEL INCREDIBLY LOVED BY HIM. I BELIEVE I HAVE THE NICEST DOG IN THE WORLD. HE LIKES TO GO TO NICE LOVING HOME RIGHT HERE. NICE HOME IS WHERE HE BELONGS. NOT FUN HAVING HIM NOT HERE. I AM HAPPY HE WILL NEVER LEAVE AGAIN. I GET TO TAKE HIM WITH ME PLACES BECAUSE HE IS A SERVICE DOG. I HOLD A HANDLE ON HIS VEST IT HELPS ME REMEMBER I HAVE TO STAY REALLY NEAR NICE TETLEY. I LIKE TO BE MIGHTY SAFE. EACH DAY HE CAN HELP ME STAY AND FEEL SAFE. HAVING HIM I AM KNOWING I AM QUITE A LUCKY HAPPY BOY. 

Fox and Tetley 10 minutes after being
reuinited after almost 4 weeks apart. 

Trip To Windsor

We are coming to the end of a 5 day trip to Windsor to visit Fox's grandparents. We slept in a tent in their nature filled backyard every night and Fox loved it and asked to include the picture below. 

I BELIEVE I AM LOVED, HAPPY AND ACCEPTED IN WINDSOR. NICE BEING HERE. ACCEPTANCE FEELS MAGNIFICENT. NICE BEING REALLY LOVED JUST AS I AM. I GET TO LEARN FISHING TOO. I AM LOVING IT. I AM HAPPY AND AMAZED AT HEARING THE NATURE SOUNDS WHILE SLEEPING IN TENT. IN LOVING WINDSOR I FEEL GOOD NOT BAD. GOING HOME TOMORROW NOT GOING TO BE EASY. I LOVE HOME BUT THERE ARE NOT SO MANY PEOPLE AND AT HOME I HAVE TO DO LOTS AND LOTS OF HARD WORK. BEING ON VACATION IS A LOT BETTER. I LIKE LEARNING HOWEVER I AM GETTING TIRED SOMETIMES. QUITE NEEDED THIS REALLY NICE TRIP. I HAVE BEEN HAPPY, CALM AND MAKING NO TROUBLE JUST RELAXING. NICE HAVING THAT FEELING. I HOPE WE COME BACK SOON. I BELIEVE NICE GRANDPAPA AND GRANDMAMA LIKE ME VISITING. 

Fox's new favourite place to sleep 

Waiting

MIGHTY LONG WAITS ARE THE WORST. ON A LONG WAIT I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I QUITE DON'T LIKE VERY LONG WAITS. NOT BEING REALLY IN CONTROL OF PATIENCE IS A REALLY HARD THING. NOT HAVING CONTROL OF MY BODY IS THE HARDEST THING TO DEAL WITH. BEING AUTISTIC I AM ALWAYS TOO EXCITED TO BE A GOOD WAITER. BEING NOT EMPOWERED TO DECIDE WHEN WE LEAVE IS VERY FRUSTRATING. I HAVE HOPE MAYBE GOING WILL HAPPEN SOON SO I HAVE TO REALLY HOPE I STAY IN CONTROL NOT LOSE IT.

Written while waiting to go fishing for the first time

School

TALKING ABOUT SCHOOL IS HARD. IT MAKES IT HARD TO SPELL. HEAD IS ALWAYS ON HIGH ALERT WHEN I AM THINKING ABOUT SCHOOL. LOVING SCHOOL AT HOME AND IT IS HARD TO IMAGINE I AM NOT EVER GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. NOT IMAGINATION THOUGH I AM REALLY NOT GOING BACK. CAN I GET EDUCATION THAT ISN'T SCARY IN SCHOOLS? I AM NOT SURE. CAN I GET EDUCATION THAT DOESN'T TREAT ME LIKE I'M A STUPID, QUITE BAD LEARNER? I AM NOT SURE. I BELIEVE I AM ABLE TO BE ANYTHING I WANT TO BE BUT NOT IF I GO TO SCHOOL. I'M TREATED GOOD BY MOM AND I GET TO LEARN SO MUCH INTERESTING MATERIAL. CAN I FEEL SAFE AT SCHOOL? I BELIEVE NO. HAVE TO FEEL SAFE IN ORDER TO LEARN. THAT IS HOW BRAIN WORKS. I AM NOT ABLE TO HELP OTHER AUTISTICS AT SCHOOL. ONLY I WISH I COULD. NOT NICE HOW SOME TEACHERS TREAT US. I AM NEVER GOING BACK BUT OTHER AUTISTICS HAVE TO GO. EVERYONE SHOULD REALLY FEEL SAFE AND GET TAUGHT INTERESTING THINGS. IF NOT, AUTISTICS CAN'T FEEL CALM AND THEN WE HAVE NO CONTROL. NOT HAVING CONTROL IS THE WORST. I HAD NO CONTROL AT SCHOOL IT ALWAYS MADE TEACHERS NOT BE NICE AND SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME. SAYING MEAN THINGS IS NOT HELPFUL. IT ALSO ISN'T HELPFUL IF THEY PUT US ON A LEASH. WE ARE INTELLIGENT PEOPLE NOT ANIMALS. FEELING SAD TO TALK ABOUT THIS. HAPPY HAVE GOOD HOMESCHOOL NOW. JUST NOT HAPPY OTHERS ARE STILL THERE. I HAVE INTELLIGENT MIND AND SO DO ALL AUTISTICS. I HOPE THEY LEARN LETTERS TOO SO THEY CAN GET REAL EDUCATION TOO. 

Foxes in the Woods

I GO TO WOODS TO HELP MY BODY KNOW PEACE. NOT BEING PEACEFUL IS HARD. I REALLY MISUNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE LIKE BEING INSIDE. HOW ARE THEY NOT BOTHERED BY THE LOUD NOISES AND BRIGHT LIGHTS? THAT IS A MYSTERY TO ME. THINK THAT HAVING TO ALWAYS BE INSIDE IS A MISTAKE. BEING OUTSIDE IS SO INCREDIBLY RELAXING. I AM NOT ABLE TO CALM DOWN INSIDE LIKE I CAN OUTSIDE. IT IS ALWAYS NICE TO FEEL CALM. INSIDE SOMETIMES I AM NOT ABLE TO FEEL HAPPY. I HOPE GOING OUTSIDE FEELS GOOD. TO HAVE HAPPINESS ON ALL DAYS IS INCREDIBLE FEELING. NOT FEELING IT IS THE WORST. NOT LIKING INSIDE NOISES. ONLY OUTSIDE NOISES MAKE MY EARS NOT HURT. 

My Speech

I WROTE A SPEECH BECAUSE I GOT SAD THAT NOT ALL AUTISTICS HAVE ABILITY TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE. IT IS HARD TO BE STUCK IN SILENCE. NOBODY TEACHES ANYTHING INTERESTING AND EACH PERSON TALKS TO YOU LIKE YOU ARE STUPID. I AM NON-VERBAL NOT NON-THINKING. I LOVED GIVING MY SPEECH IT FELT SO GOOD. I LOVED GETTING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS. BEING LISTENED TO FEELS AMAZING. I HOPE NEVER TO LEARN ABA AGAIN. ALL PEOPLE SHOULD GET AN EDUCATION. 

Fox wrote his speech at the beginning of the year and has presented it 5 times. Here he is presenting it at a conference in April:

Hello my name is Fox. I am autistic. I am only able to talk with letters not my mouth. Autistic people are smart but it is deep inside. Autistic people really know a lot about everything but are not able to always show what they have learned. Each day autistics are treated like they are stupid not like the intelligent people that they are. It is horrible to be treated like a non-human only because of your autism. I think the world needs to understand that we are like the rest of you only our bodies do not always listen to our intelligent minds. Minds only are growing if you are filling them with interesting things. A mind sleeps if the ABA is taught over and over. Nobody assumes I am the intelligent boy that is always waiting to learn interesting things. I hope that other autistics do not have to go so long without learning. That is a terrible life to have. Autistics remember, only an intelligent mind is important not an able body. So a terrible life does not have to be yours. A thinking brain is a marvelous thing.

About Me

Fox has wanted to start this blog for awhile and has so much to say and share with the world. I will be helping him and adding insights that I've learned about him and autism along the way. Currently he spells out his thoughts on a letter board pictured below and I transcribe it for him. To keep things clear I'll put his words in all caps for now until he learns to type himself. When I asked him what he wanted his blog to be about he said 

DEAR BLOG I LIKE SHARING MY WORDS AND MOMS AMAZING NICE UNDERSTANDINGS. 

So that's what we'll do. Fox thought he should start by introducing himself: 

MY NAME IS FOX I AM NINE YEARS OLD. I AM NEW TO TALKING. I FIND TALKING TO BE AMAZING. IT FEELS TOTALLY INCREDIBLE TO FINALLY HAVE A REAL CONVERSATION. NO MORE MISUNDERSTANDINGS. I LEARNED TO TALK WITH EACH LETTER BOARD AT HALO IN AUSTIN TEXAS. I WAS TAUGHT BY SOMA SHE RPMS. RPM STANDS FOR RAPID PROMPTING METHOD. IN UNITED STATES I FOUND FINDING OUT I HAD ABILITY TO TALK ON LETTER BOARD NOT EASY. IT WAS REALLY HARD TO MAKE HANDS DO WHAT I WANTED THEM TO DO. NOT BEING IN CONTROL OF BODY IS A REALLY HARD THING. I HOPE YOU ARE LEARNING THAT A PERSON CAN BE SMART AND NICE EVEN IF THEY CAN'T CONTROL THEIR BODY.

April 2014 - The first year of conversations

Day 1:

In honor of April being Autism Acceptance month I thought I would post something everyday that Fox has told me since he started expressing himself last summer. Talking to him has changed my whole perspective on what autism actually is. To start I asked him if he had a message he wanted to share on autism acceptance and he had two messages:

TO TEACHERS: ALWAYS KNOW AUTISTICS HAVE LOTS OF INTELLIGENT THOUGHTS AND CAN UNDERSTAND YOU. PLEASE TEACH INTERESTING THINGS AND MAKE SURE TO ALWAYS AND VERY FOREVER TALK NICELY TO AUTISTICS. THEY CANT HELP THAT THEIR BODIES DONT LISTEN TO THEIR MINDS.

TO LOVING RUBY: I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE HOW YOU ACCEPT ME JUST HOW I AM AND ALWAYS LOVE ME.

Day 2:

For day 2 of autism acceptance month we have Fox's views on eye contact. This is something that came up last week when we were learning about how illusions are used in art and were looking at the Mona Lisa. I asked Fox if he had trouble looking at faces: EACH FACE HAS TOO MANY THINGS THAT ROTATE ROUND AND ROUND AND ITS QUITE CHALLENGING TO LOOK BECAUSE FOX GETS TIRED EYES TOO EASILY. (What rotates round and round?) EACH EYE AND LEAPING NOSE AND MOUTHS ARE QUITE DIFFICULT TO LOOK AT. (So when people ask you to look them in the eye it must be pretty frustrating for you) TOTALLY. (Some autistics have said they can't look at a face and listen to the person at the same time) YES IT IS HARD TO LISTEN AND HAVE PEERING FACES IN MY EYES.

Day 3:

For day 3 of autism acceptance month here are Fox's views on friendship. Fox always seems disinterested in other people, he rarely responds when someone talks to him or says hi. He doesn't seem to seek people out and doesn't play in the traditional sense of the word. But that's just another case of his body not listening to his mind. He actually really wants friends and to connect with other people just like we all do. He has a really good friend who also talks with letters and they get together every week and talk and he loves it. He also has a pen pal who we met when we went to Texas to learn RPM. He wrote Fox that he was feeling lonely so Fox wrote this back to him: YOU DON'T REALLY NEED TO BE LONELY I AM YOUR ALWAYS GOOD FRIEND OR A SISTER IS ALSO A GOOD FRIEND TO HAVE. THE AMAZING THING ABOUT HAVING FRIENDS IS HAVING PEOPLE TO TALK TO AND KNOWING THAT THEY LIKE YOU AS YOU ARE AND DON'T MIND IF YOU LOSE CONTROL.

Yesterday Fox told me that he wants more good friends. When I asked what he would like to do with his friends he said: READ INTERESTING BOOKS? I AM SO NORMAL VERY MIND NORMAL. I FEEL BETTER AND WANT TO ALWAYS HAVE FRIENDS. HOW DO PEOPLE MAKE FRIENDS?

Because Fox doesn't like it when I talk about him in front of him he decided to write a letter a while back to show people that we meet so I didn't need to explain the situation in front of him. He wrote:

HI MY NAME IS FOX I TALK WITH LETTERS AND NOT MY MOUTH. PLEASE KNOW THAT I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING YOU SAY BUT I AM NOT ALWAYS ABLE TO RESPOND. I AM SORRY IF MY BODY DOESN'T LISTEN TO MY MIND I AM TRYING TO ALWAYS BEHAVE BUT IT IS HARD. I HOPE YOU HAVE PATIENCE WITH ME I AM AN INTELLIGENT BOY ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW ME.

I just wanted to share because I have heard it said sometimes that these kids are happy in their own little world and we should let them be happy there. But Fox was so lonely he just had no way to connect and it's still a challenge but it's getting better and he is much happier because of it. And he was never "in his own world".

Day 4:

For day 4 of autism acceptance month the topic is control. We have discovered since talking to Fox that he really has no control of him impulses and probably has OCD. Things that we've always treated as "behaviours" are truly out of his control and it's such a frustrating thing for him. The many years of being asked to stop something that you can't stop has made it a very sensitive thing for him to talk about. It's worse when he's tired or stressed, he can hold himself together pretty well if those are not factors. Unfortunately he doesn't sleep well and has a lot of anxiety so it's a daily struggle for him. After a very difficult day I asked him what it felt like to not be in control: LIKE IM NOT IN MY BODY IM ONLY WATCHING SAYING STOP AND A BODY DOESN'T LISTEN. Other things he's said about it are: I TRY TO NOT ALWAYS BEHAVE WRONG BELIEVE ME IT IS A HARD THING TO ALWAYS EACH DAY BEHAVE WRONG. , MY INTELLIGENT MIND ISN'T LISTENED TO ALWAYS BY MY BODY, MY TERRIBLE BODY IS EACH DAY BEING DESTRUCTIVE, MY NATURAL TENDENCY TO ALWAYS BE DESTRUCTIVE IS NOT FUN, TO BE IN CONTROL WHAT DO I DO?

Sometimes it's the nervousness about knowing he might get in trouble that makes him anxious enough to lose control.

When I asked him if he had any hopes or goals for the new year he said I AM GOING TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS CONTROL MYSELF.

When I couldn't provide the answers he was looking for he wrote to his friend who also has autism and said: ONLY EACH DAY I AIM TO BE A BETTER BEHAVED FOX. HOW DO YOU STAY IN CONTROL? I CAN'T EACH DAY. BAD BODIES ARE THE WORST DON'T YOU THINK? ABILITY TO CONTROL IS A WONDERFUL THING. I AM NOT A MAGICAL BEING I HAVE ONLY AN INTELLIGENT MIND NOT BODY.

So if you're wondering why he keeps doing something he knows he's not suppose to do, or does something dangerous, or keeps putting toys in his mouth, etc etc, he's wondering the same thing and just wants the people around him to keep him safe without getting mad about it.

Day 5:

Happy Easter! For day 5 of autism acceptance month here is Fox's view on happiness: ALWAYS HEAR HAPPY THOUGHTS AND HAPPINESS LOOKS FOR YOU. NEVER SEE SAD THOUGHTS AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY ALWAYS.

Fox just has such a positive attitude about life when it would be very easy to be down on himself given all his challenges. He has talked a few times about happiness being a decision and he chooses to be happy, I just love that.

We've gotten very use to strange looks and rude comments when we're out in public and I usually just ignore it, but once I saw how aware Fox is of it it has become much harder to ignore. Anyways I was talking to Fox about it because last week I called someone out on it and I wanted to know if it bothered him that I said something: YES I AM ONLY HOPING A LOVING MOM IS NOT SAD LIKE SHE WAS WHEN THE HORRIBLE LADY WAS MEAN. TO A MOM JUST IGNORE MEAN LADIES THEY ARE IRRELEVANT TO ME HAPPY I AM LEAVING THEM BE.

So the lesson I learned is ignore mean people and choose to be happy, a good life lesson for us all

Day 6:

For day 6 of autism acceptance month here is a list written by Fox and his friend about the misconceptions of autism. Sitting in on the conversations between these two boys is the highlight of each week for me. They are both so sweet and smart and patient with each other, and it feels so good knowing Fox has a friend that really gets him. So without further ado here is what the real experts think the misconceptions about autism are:

B: HAVING A STUPID MIND

F: THAT AUTISTICS ARE ALWAYS DOING WHAT THEY WANT TO DO

B: THAT WE CAN'T LEARN

F: THAT AUTISTICS ARE NOT ABLE TO ALWAYS UNDERSTAND OTHER PEOPLE TALKING

B: THAT AUTISTICS HAVE CONTROL OF THEIR BODIES ALL THE TIME

F: THAT AUTISM MEANS WE LEARN A LOT SLOWER THEN EVERYONE ELSE

B: THAT AUTISTICS ARE BADLY BEHAVED

F: THAT AUTISTICS YELL ON PURPOSE

B: THAT AUTISTICS DON'T NEED FRIENDS

F: I AM LIKING THAT ONE

B: ITS BULL

F: B IS A GOOD FRIEND

B: YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND TOO FOX

Day 7:

For day 7 of autism acceptance month a little bit about RPM, the method that we use to teach Fox. We've tried different alternative communication methods and they all start by teaching requesting, so he can request using sign language, he can request using the proloquo2go app on his iPad so if he needs a snack he is golden, but it never went beyond these one word requests. RPM is different, you teach communication by teaching him to answer academic questions. And not the preschool level skills he's been stuck at his whole life, with age appropriate interesting topics. What we found is that learning to answer a question about a fact you just learned about space for example is a lot easier then talking about your thoughts and feelings. Once he got good at talking about what we were learning about that's when the open communication came and we really found out what he was thinking this whole time. So to him learning and communicating go hand in hand. Early on in his open communication we were doing a lesson on horton hatches an egg and talked about how horton had to be patient but he was rewarded in the end just like learning takes a long time but is rewarding in the end, when I asked what that reward was he said TO KNOW ABOUT LOTS OF THINGS AND TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

One day he was looking at a picture of himself when he was very young and I asked him if he remembered it: ALL I REMEMBER IS MOM AND DAD NOT TEACHING ME TO TALK (Do you mean with your mouth or with letters?) LETTERS AND LEARNING ABOUT EVERYTHING.

A couple weeks ago we were learning about Alexander the Great and talked about his legacy and when I asked Fox what he hopes his own legacy will be: I HOPE ONLY THAT MY LEGACY WILL BE THAT AUTISTICS ARE TREATED NICE AND TAUGHT INTERESTING THINGS.

We thought before all of this that he hated learning he wouldn't sit for it and would get very upset when someone tried to teach him, but he was just so completely bored with being taught the same things over and over with no way to show what he knew. Even now when he's able to communicate so well, if I spend too much time talking to him about non-academic things he will always say he's done talking and is ready to learn.

Day 8:

For day 8 of autism acceptance month here are some of Fox's goals for the future. What Fox calls his destructive tendencies was also an early indication that he needed to know how things work and now this same drive has made him very interested in science. When I asked him what interest him most about science he said HOW THINGS WORK IN ALL AREAS OF SCIENCE. We've read a few biographies of different scientists and there's always something that Fox can relate to, but he draws his biggest inspiration from Stephan Hawking. After learning about him I asked him what was more important a working body or a working mind and why? MIND BECAUSE MINDS CAN IMAGINE AND MAKE IDEAS AND TALK. Hawking's goal in life is to solve the mysteries of the universe, so I asked Fox what his goal in life is and he said TO SOLVE THE MYSTERIES OF AUTISM I WILL SEARCH FOR ANSWERS IN SCIENCE.

A few months after we had this conversation I asked him again what his goal in life is and what steps he will take to reach it: I WANT TO BE A SCIENTIST. I WILL START BY LEARNING LOTS ABOUT SCIENCE AND LEARNING TO CONTROL MYSELF. EACH DAY I WILL PRACTICE MY LETTERS NOT GIVING UP ON MY DREAMS.

Day 9:

For day 9 of autism acceptance month Fox's love of letter writing. The first time Fox decided to write a letter was to Duan because Fox decided he wanted a cat and Duan is a little allergic and did not want a cat.

DEAR DADDY, I THINK A CAT AS A PET IS A MAGNIFICENT IDEA BECAUSE I LIKE A CAT TO PLAY WITH BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ANY PETS AND I WANT TO. I AM SURE YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE MY CAT TOO. I AM HOPING YOU SAY YES SO I AM A PET OWNER. I LOVE YOU AND I AM TRYING TO BEHAVE SO YOU LOVE ME TOO. SO A CAT COULD MAKE US HAPPY.

FROM, FOX

The kids now have two cats. The next time he wrote a letter was after the kids got a look in Duan's toolbox and weren't allowed to use his tools. Ruby asked where he got his toolbox and they found out it was from their grandma and then this letter was written:

DEAR GRANDMA, I ALSO WANT A TOOLBOX AND I HOPE THAT YOU WILL THINK ABOUT BUYING ONE AND A RUBY WANTS A TOOLBOX TOO. I NEED IT SO I CAN BREAK APART CENTER AND DADDY DOESN'T LIKE IT WHEN I USE HIS TOOLS. THANKS AND I LOVE YOU. FROM FOX

The kids now have their own toolbox. Now he writes letters to his friends and sometimes to set people straight and i love every single one of them

Day 10:

For day 10 of autism acceptance month here is Fox's guest post on the Faith, Hope and Love With Autism blog:http://faithhopeloveautism.blogspot.ca/…/how-rpm-changed-my…

This is a blog written by 12 year old Phillip who also learned to communicate with RPM. Every day this month he is featuring something written by an RPMer and they are all great. It's a wonderful way to see the variety in the RPM community and learn so much about autism. We've actually used parts of Phillip's blog in our lessons as a spring board to discuss how Fox's body feels and works so he was quite excited to be a part of it.

Day 11:

For day 11 of autism acceptance month a little bit about sibling love smile emoticon. From the day Ruby was born she was being carted around to every appointment Fox had, most therapy sessions, she really was such a big part of everything he did. Most of that time if he wasn't actively trying to avoid her he was seemingly indifferent to her. But she persisted and at some point realized that if she copied what he was doing he would pay attention to her. She started asking me to leave them alone to let them play together, I got a lot of "he's my brother mommy let me talk to him!". Whenever she's invited anywhere she asks if Fox can come too. When I pulled Fox out of school she asked if he could be in her class instead because she knew her teacher would be nice to him. She's never shown any sign of being embarrassed of him and loves having him around. Then Fox started talking and we found out the feeling was very mutual. Now they write stories together and play games together and he tells her how funny she is. When we're learning he always seems to find a way to make it about Ruby, here's a haiku he wrote right after he learned what a haiku was:

ONLY A RUBY

IS A LOVING FRIEND TO ME

RUBY IS THE BEST

Fox still pinches her sometimes when he gets out of control and he just can't stop his body from doing it. One day he said TO RUBY UNDERSTAND EACH TIME I HURT YOU I WISH I WOULD STOP I LOVE YOU (Ru: I love you too) I'M ALWAYS HAPPY HER HEART IS LOVING

There are just countless examples of how much he just adores her, here is one: RUBY IS THE BEST I LOVE HER SO MUCH. RUBY IS WISHING TO BE A SCIENTIST WITH ME? I HOPE THAT HAPPENS I REALLY LOVE RUBY. MORE RUBY IS ALWAYS A GOOD THING.

Day 12:

For day 12 of autism acceptance month, intention. We found out pretty quick that Fox is not always in control of his body but it took us longer to realize that he's not always in control of his body communicating with signs. Sometimes what he indicates with sign or body language is not what he intends at all. Whenever I read to him he is usually bouncing around the room seemingly not paying attention (although I know now he is taking it all in) or is actively signing stop or trying to close the book. One time I asked him afterwards why he didn't like me reading to him he said I LOVE IT WHEN YOU READ TO ME I DON'T CONTROL ASKING TO STOP PLEASE KEEP READING.

It took me a long time to really process what this means and to start asking him on his letterboard instead of taking his head shakes and head nods as being absolute. One day he had lost his screwdriver and he kept asking me for it, I kept telling him I didn't know where it was and he was going to have to find it. This went on and on to the point where he was getting very upset and I was getting frustrated. Duan being the smart guy that he is suggested that I ask him where it is on the letterboard and when I did he said I EXPECT IT IS LOST (so what do you want me to do) NOTHING I AM NOT CONTROLLING ASKING.

A few weeks ago he asked to go to the park and when we go there he was signing car, home, no. So I asked with his letterboard if he wanted to still play at the park and he chose Y so I went to get him out of the car and he was shaking his head, signing home, getting upset so I told him I was confused and didnt understand what he wanted and he said ONLY LISTEN TO MY LETTERS.

Those are just a few examples of how much his body is working against him and how easy it would be to misunderstand his intention.

Day 13:

For day 13 of autism acceptance month, noise. Fox asked me once DO BIG NOISES JUST HURT ME? I AM A GOOD HEARER. He is very sensitive to noise and can manage it somewhat with his noise dampening headphones but it's something that bothers him everyday. I told him that it was common among autistics to be extra sensitive to sounds so he wrote to one of his friends: LOUD NOISES HURT MY EARS. DO THEY HURT YOURS TOO? I LIKE A LOUD NOISE IF IT SOUNDS APPEALING LIKE MUSIC BUT NOT IF IT SOUNDS LIKE ROUGH SOUNDS. and then later: YOU ALSO ARE HATING LAWN MOWERS. I HATE THEM TOO. NOT BECAUSE A LONG GRASS FEELS GOOD BUT BECAUSE THE NOISE HURTS MY EARS. HOW DO YOU MAKE THE NOISE NOT HURT?

The music comment kind of surprised me because he always has seemed to hate when we play music and also finds his white noise machine turned to max volume very soothing. When i asked him about music he said I SOMETIMES LIKE MUSIC (in the car?) NO IN THE CAR IT IS TOO LOUD (where do you like it?) I SOMETIMES LIKE IT AT HOME and when i asked why he always asks me to turn it off SOMETIMES I DON'T CONTROL ASKING TO STOP. He also has told me that he prefers music with no words in it that the words make it hard to listen to.

Over the past several months he has seemed extra sensitive to noise, things that haven't seemed to bother him before bother him now. Things like running water from the tap, the hum of the fridge, sounds that have always been around. I asked him if his ears are hurting more these days SAME AS ALWAYS I AM ABLE TO ANNOUNCE IT NOW.

The noise pain is real and not something he can just get used to. But I find myself very thankful again for the friends he has to talk to about this stuff, that can really understand what he's going through.

Day 14:

For day 14 of autism acceptance month, venting. One of the things Fox has never been able to do is stand up for himself, he couldn't tell people they were being unfair, he couldn't tell them he was scared and he couldn't refuse to do something so it always come out in melt downs and explosions of anger. Now that he's able to express his anger he's much calmer. I know I always feel better after venting to someone when something bothers me. For the past week Fox has been randomly screaming at the top of his lungs, it's been driving me crazy and he also hates it because it hurts his ears. But like with everything else he just can't control it. Yesterday he overhead me tell Duan that I hate the screaming. I guess he kind of stewed on this all day. Every afternoon Fox has a bbm conversation with Duan, Fox spells out what he wants to say on the letterboard and I send it to Duan for him. I tried getting clarification on what he wanted to say once and he said I AM ONLY TALKING TO DAD, so I don't chime in, i'm really just his keyboard during these conversations. So yesterday Fox started by saying HI DAD MOM IS A HORRIBLE TEACHER and followed with SHE ALSO IS A ONLY MEAN MOM, then stuff like DO MOMS LOVE FOXES I THINK NO, BECAUSE MOM IS A MEAN MOM NOT A MOM THAT LOVES. Duan tried to diffuse the situation and Fox was not backing down and when Duan asked what I did he said NOTHING I AM EACH DAY A REALLY LOUD SCREAMER AND MOM HATES IT. Even by bed time Fox still said he was mad at me. And I get it, I really hurt his feelings, I complained about something he can't control and something that he himself hates but can't stop. So I apologized and left it at that then this morning he told me I AM A LOVING SON TODAY. And it's over he's not mad anymore and I'm going to be more careful when I vent. He is always so sweet, he has never talked like this before, but I'm so glad he was able to get the anger out and vent to his dad even if I was the subject of that anger

Day 15:

For day 15 of autism acceptance month, since we are halfway through the month I just wanted to share that I've been reading Fox all of your comments and he has been loving it. Last week he actually brought me his letterboard so he could ask me what I was writing that day. It's a very rare thing for him to do that, usually I bring it to him to see if he has something to say, the last time he actually initiated it was last summer when he wanted to tell Ruby he loved her. Here's a little conversation we had about it:

SO EACH DAY A MOM IS GOING TO BE SHARING MY WORDS? TO A MOM I AM SO HAPPY TO DO THAT. DO YOU THINK MORE AUTISTICS WILL BE TAUGHT INTERESTING THINGS NOW? (Yes you're changing the world one person at a time) TO REALLY CHANGE THE WORLD NOBODY SHOULD TALK TO AUTISTICS LIKE THEY ARE NOT HEARING AND UNDERSTANDING. ALWAYS AM HAPPY TO SHARE MY WORDS AND I HOPE IT TALKS OTHERS INTO ALWAYS JUST TEACHING INTERESTING THINGS TO AUTISTICS. I AM A REALLY GOOD WRITER I THINK. I HOPE THAT I GET TO ALWAYS A HELPFUL WRITER BE. SO I AM REALLY TEACHING PEOPLE ABOUT AUTISM? (Yes and I get to learn the most) TO A MOM, I LOVE A MOM TEACHING.

When Fox realized that he could help other autistics have a better life by first sharing his speech and now this it has really helped his confidence and his happiness. He cares so much about other people and often asks me how we can teach others to talk with letters so they can learn interesting things too. So thanks for all of your kind words, they are appreciated!

Day 16:

For day 16 of autism acceptance month, hidden intelligence. When I first started doing RPM with Fox it was because it's the only thing I could find that said you could educate someone with severe autism. I had pulled him out of school, his IBI was over, I had him at home with me and I wanted to teach him but didn't know how. Pretty early on in our RPM journey I realized how incredibly intelligent he is, his memory is amazing and he's an incredible problem solver and just capable of so much more then anyone ever imagined. We use to do little crosswords to warm up at the beginning of our sessions to practice his spelling. One day the answer was printing press, I didn't even know the answer and he got it. I asked him how he knew what a printing press was FROM HOMER WATSON IN MUSEUM. We have been to the doon heritage museum on home watson a couple times and even though he didn't appear interested at all he was absorbing everything. Most days I don't even feel like I'm really teaching him because I tell him something once and he knows it and rarely gets an answer wrong. So imagine being that intelligent and then year after year being taught the same preschool level skills over and over and over. It must have been excruciating. At the beginning of every session I ask him if there's anything he wants to talk about before we start our lesson and one day he said I AM HAPPY JUST SO HAPPY (why?) I LIKE PEOPLE NOT ACCEPTING AND FANNING THE FLAMES OF AUTISM ADDING TO MY MISSING KNOWLEDGE AND ASSUMING I AM SMART (what was it like for you before you could talk like this?) EACH DAY I FELT MISUNDERSTOOD AIMING TO BE GOOD HEARING EACH AND AIMING TO BE HEARD. I AM EACH DAY HAPPY TO BE TALKING.

It is SO important to presume competence when you have a person that can't express themselves. You don't know what they don't know if they have no way to show you. It is much more harmful to presume incompetence and be wrong then to presume competence and be wrong.

Day 17:

For day 17 of autism acceptance month, imagination. One of the myths of autism is a lack of imagination, evidenced by a lack of pretend play. But when you can't control your body and have no way to express yourself and are driven by sensory needs your play is just different. Fox has a great imagination, something that has helped him get through difficult times because he's been alone with his imagination a lot. Here's one of the short stories he has written, it always makes me smile:

Once upon a time THERE WAS A HAPPY KID WHO LIKED TO IMAGINE HE INVENTED PILLS THAT GIVE HIM AMAZING INCREDIBLE JUMPING SKILLS. HE LIKED TO CLIMB UP HIGH AND LEAP DOWN. ONE DAY HE KNEW NOTHING BAD WAS GOING TO HAPPEN SO HE DECIDED TO CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST. HE GOT ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP AND UNDER HIS COAT HE HAD A PARACHUTE. HE LEAPED OFF AND OPENED HIS PARACHUTE. IT QUICKLY FLEW OPEN AND HE WENT DOWN. A BIRD FLEW AND LANDED ON HIM. HE ATTACKED HIM IN HIS FACE. IT WAS HURTING SO HE ATTACKED THE BIRD. THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP. SAVE A BIRD FROM ATTACK. THE END.

Day 18:

For day 18 of autism acceptance month, alternative communication. Fox had been working with the proloquo2go app on his iPad for a couple years. It talks for you when you press picture buttons of what you want to say. Fox pretty much just requested with it and answered some questions, he never combined words and it didn't end up expanding his communication like we had hoped. Now that he can talk so well with his letter board I wondered why he didn't talk more with it, the thoughts were there so what went wrong. When we were learning about Jobs and Wozniak inventing PCs I asked him if he could think of a way their technology has helped him. I AM HELPED BY MY IPAD AS I TALK WITH IT (Do you like talking with your iPad?) NO BECAUSE I CANT BE A NORMAL HUMAN GUY (Do you like talking with your letters?) YES BECAUSE I CAN SHOW HOW SMART I AM.

I asked him again a couple months later because he was talking better and I wanted to know if he had more to say about it. Why do you like talking with letters but not p2go? ONLY LETTERS MAKE ME SAY ALL I THINK AND LETTERS ARE TALKING BUT IPAD IS NOT. NO IPAD IS A VOICE LETTERS ARE A VOICE. I AM NOT SURE BUT I JUST THINK I LIKE LETTERS BETTER.

Now I'm not 100% sure why he feels this way but a system where the adult chooses what buttons go in it decides what the child will be able to talk about and will always limit that child. Spelling will always be better if we presume competence and believe it is possible.

Day 19:

For day 19 of autism acceptance month, baby talk. The first year after Ruby was born was very difficult for all of us, Fox did not take well to having a baby in the house. When we were reading about Einstein we discovered that he hated his sister when she was born but then became best friends with her later on. I asked him how he felt about Ruby when she was a baby SHE WAS LOUD AND A TERRIBLE PERSON. (when did you start loving her so much?) LATER WHEN SHE COULD TALK.

Months later, out of the blue he asked me ARE ALL AUTISTICS ABLE TO HANDLE A NEW BABY? (Why do you ask?) BECAUSE I HAD A HARD TIME WHEN RUBY ARRIVED. (You were just 2 how much do you remember?) A LOT LIKE A CRYING BABY IS LOUD AND I AM CRYING TOO. (I didn't know how to explain the baby was coming did you understand?) ONLY I HAD NOT A GOOD ABILITY TO INTELLIGENTLY TALK TO MOM. TO A BABY A BROTHER IS A BIG PERSON. I HAD A HIDDEN ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND AND I ALWAYS AMAZED A BABY. (what else do you remember from back then?) MOM AND DAD EACH DAY ALWAYS TRYING TO HELP ME TALK AND NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THAT I AM AN INTELLIGENT BOY. (It did take us a long time to figure everything out) I AM HOPING THAT A DAD AND MOM ARE ALWAYS HAVING HOPED I AM SMART.

Day 20:

For day 20 of autism acceptance month, likes, dislikes and fears. I don't know how many times I've had to fill out a form that has asked for Fox's likes, dislikes and fears. It always stumped me, I hated doing it because I knew I was just guessing. A couple months ago I needed to fill out another one and for the first time Fox told me what to write:

Likes: ALL FOOD, CLIMBING, NICE PEOPLE

Dislikes: LOUD NOISES, PEOPLE THAT TALK TO ME LIKE I'M STUPID

Fears: HAVING NO WAY TO LEAVE, HEARING THE PEOPLE TALK BAD ABOUT ME.

This list makes me sad because you can get a really good sense of how people have treated him his whole life, how non-verbal kids are treated in general. It's why it's so important to him to speak out and try and change people's minds about what autism really is.

Day 21:

For day 21 of autism acceptance month, feeling thankful. Every year at Thanksgiving Ruby has been making a thankful turkey where she writes on each feather something she is thankful for. Last year was the first year that Fox made one. He chose: ALWAYS EATING, TURKEY, MY SISTER, KOMBU, MY BLOCKS, MOM AND DAD, BLOWING OUT CANDLES, MY LETTERS, UNDERSTANDING.

Thanksgiving the year before was very different, it was a couple weeks before we pulled him out of school and he was as wild, out of control and miserable as I had ever seen him. It was like he was in a constant state of fight or flight and could explode at any minute. If someone had told me then that a year later he would be communicating like this, that his brain was thinking and working fine this whole time, I don't know how I would have reacted. But it always pays to hope for the best and to never give up

Day 22:

For day 22 of autism acceptance month, a note from Fox on what autism feels like.

AUTISM IS MANY DIFFERENT THINGS LIKE BEING ABLE TO FEEL HAPPY, BEING ABLE TO FEEL REALLY SAD, BEING ABLE TO FEEL LIKE A PERSON AND NOT AN ANIMAL. MORE DEEP THEN ANYONE KNOWS. LOUD BUT QUIET AND ALWAYS MISUNDERSTOOD. AUTISM IS LIKE HAVING KNOWLEDGE THAT ONLY STAYS IN YOUR HEAD IT NEVER IS SHARED IT ALWAYS IS HIDDEN. THAT FEELS HORRIBLE NOT TO FEEL SMART. REALLY PLEASE BELIEVE IN AUTISTICS THEY NEED YOU TO ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE SMART. APPLES AND ORANGES CAN MIX IF PEOPLE ARE BELIEVING IT IS POSSIBLE. I'M A GOOD EXAMPLE THAT AUTISTICS CAN LEARN AND LIKE TO LEARN.

Day 23:

For day 23 of autism acceptance month, talking to Fox. Fox gets very overwhelmed in a crowd, but sometimes it's just unavoidable. I asked him how he feels at family or public events that are crowded: SOMETIMES I HAVE A HARD TIME BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF LOUD PEOPLE NOT ALWAYS BEING SENSITIVE TO MY DELICATE EARS AND NOBODY TRIES TO A FOX KNOW AND TALK TO. (Some talk to you) I AM SURE SOME DO BUT NOT ALL. (I'm sure that will change now that you have your letterboard) HOW ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW I CAN TALK? (Because i tell everyone) A LOT OF PEOPLE TALK TOO LOUD TO ME. I AM TALKING TO A LOUD TALKER AND I CAN SAY PLEASE BE QUIET IT HURTS MY EARS? (yes when you ask nicely it isn't rude) I ALWAYS AM NOT GOING TO SAY RUDE THINGS.

This happens a lot where Fox gets treated like he's hard of hearing so people talk loud and slow to him, but he's actually has extra sensitive hearing so it's not helpful at all. I'm sure this will improve the more he speaks up for himself. He rarely looks like he is listening when you talk to him, his body is so busy, always moving, but he is hearing every word. No need to dumb down speech or repeat, he gets it.

Day 24:

For day 24 of autism acceptance month, celebration. After learning about Pi day, I asked Fox if he created a day of celebration what would it be: I WOULD CELEBRATE A FOX STARTING TO TALK IN LETTERS. (What day?) MAY 1

(why?) ON MAY I STARTED LEARNING LETTERS. (what should we call it?) NATIONAL DAY OF FOX'S VOICE. (what should we do on that day to celebrate?) ON MAY 1 WE SHOULD ALL THINK AND LETTERS TALK. I AM ALWAYS ONLY LETTERS TALKING SO WE ALL SHOULD.

So that's what we will be doing on May 1st to celebrate Fox finding his voice. There may also be cake involved

We are going to be pretty busy over the next few days so I don't think I will be continuing these posts. Fox is very eager to start his blog so when we get around to that I will post the link. Thanks for reading, we hope we were able to open some eyes and show you that what you see is not what you get when it comes to severe autism, they are capable of so much and have so much to offer.