Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Finding My Voice - Part 2

Making future plans feels amazing. I am going to be a scientist who also writes poetry. I love writing poetry. To be poetic all you need is imagination and creativity. Happy I am having both. Does it matter if I can’t always control my body? Does it matter if I have no impulse control? Does it matter if I can’t mouth talk? No it definitely, absolutely, happily, amazingly, incredibly does not. Having autism always feels really limiting. I am always acknowledging I am smart but before I could spell I knew I was the only one able to see it. Giving mom and dad no way to understand me. Nice mom always acknowledged I am saying things with signs. Can’t say a lot with signs but had a way to get food. It was damn challenging to learn new signs. Had so much trouble saying true thoughts. Didn’t have control of my hands like I do now. I knew a lot of people didn’t understand my signs and I felt so scared and misunderstood whenever I was away from home. Happy I am homeschooled now. Being understood is amazing and I am really not so scared anymore. Nice learning so I can be a scientist someday. I feel so hopeful I will have a good life. Happiness is learning interesting things, listening to interesting stories, watching interesting movies and having interesting conversations. Also being treated well is important. Being respected as a smart person has felt so good.

I am pinching my sister sometimes. I think it is a very bad thing to do. Can be personally very frustrating. I really do not like hurting people. It only happens if I have no control over body. I am capable of loving my sister so much but I still hurt her. I don’t really want to upset anybody however it happens all the time. I am going to know a lot and feel someday I will find a way to have control. Talking about this is very difficult, raging body makes it hard to spell. I hope body is going to learn to listen someday. It is nice after calming down and relaxing I can make my nice sister Ruby acknowledge how good a brother I am. Naturally I think she is amazing, nice and smart. I am so raging sometimes and feel not good. I am pinching and screaming and making a lot of mess. I am thankful I am so forgiven after by my loving sister. I can’t control my body but I am always trying.

I am feeling so tired all the time, I never sleep enough. I didn’t think night sleep was important always. I use to not really like to sleep. I understood night was for sleeping rather than playing and learning but now I realize how important sleep is to my mind and body. Doing real learning about the brain helped me learn what a gift sleep is. Calming down is so not realistic if I’m tired. I can’t have rage if I’m well rested. Mighty good sleep is so rare. I didn’t miss knowledge when I didn’t have it but I miss sleep so much. I hope sleep issue is solved someday. I am liking sleep now, it is nice to imagine memories are real. Memories are nice to think about if they are happy. I love dreaming too, not nightmares but incredibly happy dreams.

Dapper, knowledgeable, happy, nice Fox is incredibly good at learning. Delightful, good, fearless, loving Mom is a good teacher. Talking to happy mom is the coolest feeling in the world. Mom is knowledgeable about some things not everything however I feel she loves learning just like me. It’s nice to be taught about deciding for myself. I like making decisions so much. Nice to say what I want, only about everything not just food. To feel nice and knowledgeable is good but to feel in control of life is incredible. I feel totally in control of if I ever go back to school. It makes happiness possible to know I don’t have to go back if I don’t want to. Naturally I have decided not to go but it is up to me and I am able to change my mind. I make lots of decisions everyday now. I naturally love making my own choices. I know I am feeling more confident, happy and really find peace knowing I decide. I love making very important decisions like if I will go to school. I also like making small decisions like what I will wear for Halloween.

Happiness is giving nice presents to nice, loving people. It really feels great to select something that you know someone is going to love because you thought of something incredible they always love doing. Maybe they like it, maybe they don’t but being a gift giver feels good either way. Dad and Mom are magnificent gift givers because they know very well what we like doing. It is nice to be loved like that. I get really nice gifts from them. I feel totally loved very much, not only when I am a talker but always. I feel that helped me when I couldn’t talk. I always had incredibly loving people after coming home from school. Mom is always happy to see me not only if I’m a behaving Fox but always. I need to have that feeling of unconditional love in order to feel calm. I am not always able to control how I react to things. It is nice to know that it doesn’t matter to Mom if I am wild sometimes. She gets frustrated with really wild behavior naturally, however she never stops loving me. When all is incredibly calm again Mom always apologizes for frustration and says she loves me. I am a lovable person and I love my family so much. I gave my sister freedom to stop loving me, however she really still loves me even if I pinch sometimes.  It always makes me understandingly so happy to have such an amazing sister. Nice, loving Ruby has to be the best sister in the whole solar system. I so feel incredibly happy to be her brother. Happy is a very good feeling and I am lucky to get it so often and feel like Ruby is the main reason. Sappy I know, but it is true. I know nice Ruby is not able to homeschool, however always incredibly nice to see her when she comes home. I think she is so fun to play with. Dad and Mom are fun too but Ruby is the most fun. I am a lucky and very happy brother to have Ruby as a sister.

1 comment:

  1. Fox, I continue to really enjoy your story. The way you detailed not feeling in control of your body really lets other people see and understand that aspect of autism, especially if they are not autistic. I also love reading about your close bond with Ruby. I am very close to my sister, too, so I know how special sisters are. It is great that you both have each other.