Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Finding My Voice - Part 3

I need some people to very not know that I am autistic so that they treat me like a real person. Acknowledging my autism always makes it hard to say Fox is smart. I can’t understand why people are always very surprised that I am a good speller. Having no idea that spelling is a hard thing for people to learn. My ability to spell was always there but ability to control hands was making it hard to show off. I am knowledgeable about hard to spell words. I feel that is not special. I’m happy to spell well, however it is not a magical thing. It is nice that people are impressed by me, however I think that they are impressed by the wrong thing. Spelling is incredibly easy if you practice everyday. I have to spell all of my thoughts so I get a lot of practice. Magical is not the word, practice is. I love incredibly hard work, it makes my nice mind feel amazing. To get to learn challenging things is not a gift, not a present, but a human right. Making learning knowledge possible should be really aim for all students not just ones that mouth talk. I learn everyday now and I am finding I have more happiness and hope then I did before. Ruby gets to learn interesting things at school and she loves school. I didn’t find colors and letters and shapes interesting after learning them the first time. I always was taught the same things over and over. I found it so boring. Talking has no magical ability to make learning possible. I am incredibly happy to quietly learn. I am so able to learn just by hearing or seeing things. It is not necessary for answers to be given. I am learning without proving it. I really don’t understand why I need to prove my intelligence in order to be taught anything interesting. I am not sure what harm it would do to teach interesting things to someone who really didn’t understand. I know all about how harmful it is to not teach someone who is understanding. It is feeling stupid, it is feeling not respected, it is feeling stuck, it is feeling hopeless, it is feeling really sad. Does that not show that all people should be given real education? I think it is an easy choice. I am always happy to find out something new, after I could talk this happened everyday. I hate that so much of nice life was wasted on ABA. I regret it so much. It came each day but was always the same. I mastered rather than learned. Nice, so nice that it is over. I am a learner but I couldn’t prove it to ABAers. Learning not mastering always should be the main goal. I believe ABA is not a good way to teach autistics. In ABA I behaved really badly. I had a really hard time being in control. I am always feeling a little out of control however I was really out of control in ABA. In ABA I couldn’t control my hands so I couldn’t show that I knew anything. Not like in amazing RPM. I feel so much more in control of my hands now. I think RPM is the reason. It taught good, interesting lessons to practice pointing to correct letters. I practiced so much that I started having more control of my hands. I am thinking it makes other things in control too. For example, my tired eyes are liking watching movies now. Before RPM I hated movies because my eyes would start hurting and I pinch when my eyes hurt, I find my eyes have more energy now. I am finding it possible to read a book on my own and to do tangrams and I feel not sorry about if I make a mistake. I think RPM is ok with mistakes. I think RPM is ok with out of control body. I think I’m not suited for ABA.

Naturally I know I feel sure people find it strange that I can letter talk so well but I can’t say any words with my mouth. It always nicely surprises people. I am not really sure if people always believe I am not saying mom’s words. I am able to tell the non-believers from the believers. It is hard to be not believed, it makes it hard to spell. I know feeling sad about it doesn’t help but it is hard not to feel sad. Feeling mighty unable to control emotions. I feel emotions naturally take over loving mind. Nasty and sad feelings talk in my head and are hard to ignore. I like happy feelings better. I am learning about giving worries a rest. I think my thoughts are always getting stuck in my totally overactive amygdala, it is a frustrating thing. I feel nice prefrontal cortex is a better part of the brain. I feel better when I am learning interesting things. It makes me stay in prefrontal cortex and allows amygdala to rest. Back in school and ABA I was never learning anything interesting so I could never get out of amygdala. Back then I couldn’t calm down, I was always a wild boy. I had no control over my body. I felt so awful each day.

I need to improve my ability to listen. I am able to understand however not listen. I feel it is mighty hard sometimes and just want my body to listen. Naturally it is acknowledged that brain/body disconnect is giving hard time to me however people still want me to listen. I understand listening is important, I really give my best all the time. I am not listening because I can’t. I would appreciate acknowledgement of my effort, candid acknowledgement of how hard autistics have to try in order to behave. I am thinking autistics really are so misunderstood. Can’t find a person who believes happiness is possible for autistics. I feel Mom and Dad believe it but nobody else. Autism is not a tragedy, not having a voice and education is. Today both are possible for all autistics. I believe RPM is the answer.

I am personally happy to be autistic. I am mighty happy to have autism. I think sometimes people treat autism as a terrible thing to have, acknowledgment only of what is hard about it not what is great about it. It can be amazing to have autism. Not able to make very frustrating body do what I want it to do but I have a great mind. My mind has caring thoughts, amazing memory, incredible imagination. I am a good problem solver. I love learning. I always feel I am a nice person inside. I like my life. I am a good, loving brother to my sister. I am becoming a real poet and writer. I am also a good rock climber and a good swimmer. I am a happy boy. Happiness can come to anybody, normal or not. Happiness is not given to you it is found and taken. Ability to be happy is a choice. I am always happy but sometimes I don’t look like I am. That is very frustrating. I always enjoy going to museums however sometimes I get upset there. I don’t understand why my body does it. I am acknowledging it is a misunderstood thing not in my control. I have the ability to explain myself now but I couldn’t always. I am grateful that I am not misunderstood very much anymore.  

I am a person that makes loud noises. I am also a person that doesn’t like loud noises. It is a hard combination. I am finding a lot of contradictions in my life. I feel happy but I look sad, I have lots of amazing thoughts but I can’t speak, I love learning but I don’t go to school, I am a good friend but I don’t have many friends. I always am a paradox. I feel acknowledging a paradox helps calm down feeling that life is unfair. Happy with my life but it can be hard sometimes. I am knowledgeable, creative and like learning. I feel nice and hopeful for happy, incredible future. I believe I can be anything at all. I again am not a tragic person. I am a great, mighty, autistic boy. Happiness is in autism and autism is in happiness. I find a lot of parents have wrong idea about autism. I am a person with awareness and feelings. I find it is not how autism is often seen. I find that has a big effect on how autistics are treated. Calling autism a good thing shouldn’t be strange, it should be normal. I am a normal person, I have normal feelings, I am normal in my learning. I am happy and loved. Nice people have no problem talking to me like I am normal. I am a loving, amazing and clever Fox. I am finding real knowledge and I love it. I believe right thing is to assume all people have thoughts and feelings. I learned being non-verbal, each person is not treated equally. It is not right. Nice Ruby is always assumed to be capable of learning. Not having jealousy of my loving Ruby, but I just think she is given more life opportunities. I find I get happy on a knowledge filled trip. I find my body has hard time acknowledging that I love learning. I appreciate walking in woods. I also appreciate playing on playground. I always love rock climbing. I find a lot of comfort in swimming. I appreciate reading interesting books. I am happily going shopping at stores. I know body can be calm in these situations. Maybe with practice I can learn to be calm in museums too.

I am a boy and being calm is not easy for boys. Each boy I know is a very hyper person. Not so autistic, just hyper. I am not thinking it is going to last forever, I find men are calm. However acknowledging that autistic boys are like non-autistic boys makes me happy. I guess girls can be hyper too but not as much as boys. I am ragey sometimes and I think it only happens to autistics.

No comments:

Post a Comment