Thursday, December 1, 2016

Feelings Coming Out In My Poetry

DAMN BEING MAD MAD MAD

DAMN BEING RAGING
BEING TIRED
BEING LESSER
BEING BAD BAD BAD

DAMN BEING SAD
BEING CAUGHT IN RAGE
BEING REALLY STUCK
BEING BAD BAD BAD

DAMN BEING MAD MAD MAD

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Ski Training

I FEEL TOTALLY HONORED TO BE INVITED TO TALK TO SKI INSTRUCTORS AT TRACK 3. NO ABILITY TO BE CALM YESTERDAY BECAUSE I WAS TOO TIRED, HOWEVER I HAD PREPARED SOMETHING FOR MOM TO READ. AM LOVING SKIING SO MUCH SO I'M HAPPY TO HELP. 

What’s an effective way to communicate with you on the hill without access to your letterboard?
TALK NORMALLY TO ME, I AM REALLY GOOD AT UNDERSTANDING. ALSO I HATE BEING SPOKEN TO LIKE I’M A STUPID PERSON. NO MATTER IF YOU GET A RESPONSE I AM HEARING AND UNDERSTANDING YOU. STILL MIGHT NOT DO EACH THING. IT IS A BRAIN-BODY MISCOMMUNICATION. GOOD MIND UNDERSTANDS HOWEVER BAD BODY DOESN’T ALWAYS LISTEN. BAD AT SAYING THINGS BUT IF YOU MAKE YOUR HANDS TWO CHOICES I CAN TELL YOU MY CHOICE BY POINTING TO HAND.

What should we do as instructors to assist you through a challenging time?
ALWAYS HELP NICELY AND CALMLY, NEVER GET ANGRY. I AM TOO NERVOUS SEEING MAD FACES. AFTER A GOOD FEW MINUTES ABLE TO TALK TO ME NICELY AND HELP ME GET BODY TO PARENTS. AT THAT POINT TOO OUT OF CONTROL TO SKI MORE.

What happens when your body gets tired?
BEING TIRED IS TOTALLY THE WORST. I AM OUT OF CONTROL AND REALLY HAVE VERY LITTLE FEELING IN MY BODY. THIS MAKES IT HARD TO MOVE AND TO SEE AND TO LISTEN. ALSO MIGHT LAUGH. NOT A HAHA FUNNY LAUGH BUT A NERVOUS LAUGH. HARD TO SKI IF I’M TIRED.

Is there a way for us to recognize if your body isn’t feeling in control?
I AM THE NICEST REALLY IN MY HEART SO IF I HIT, KICK OR PINCH THEN I’M NOT IN CONTROL. EACH TIME I DO SOMETHING I SHOULDN’T I GET FEELING OF NERVOUSNESS THAT MAKES ME LOSE CONTROL. TIME TO NOT GET MAD BUT INSTEAD TELL NICELY NO BIG DEAL, MAKES ME REALLY CALM DOWN. I HATE LOSING CONTROL, IT ISN’T A CHOICE I MAKE. I FEEL SO TERRIBLE WHEN IT HAPPENS.

Any other suggestions on how to create a safe and accepting environment?

ALWAYS NEED TO TREAT EVERYONE WITH THE SAME TONE OF VOICE AND BELIEF THAT THEY ARE UNDERSTANDING AND TO ALWAYS HAVE PATIENCE DURING HARD TIMES. IT IS MEANINGFUL TO SAY “HI HOW ARE YOU?” EVEN IF I CAN’T RESPOND.

THANKS AND HAVE FUN SKIING!

MY ADVENTUROUS SKIING

Friday, November 25, 2016

We Are You

The Writer

I am learning that I am a good writer. Ability to write gets easier if I practice everyday. Also I love writing so I love practicing. I am fearful that my writing not liked. That is hard for me, that makes it hard to spell for leery body. Body calms down when it hears that writing is liked. Telling body that I am a good writer not enough for body sometimes. That is at a bad time. I am also having good times. I get a lot of good feelings when I write to my friends. I like to also write poetry. It is meaningful to me to read nice comments about my poetry. It is helpful to really share feelings in poetry. Being totally silent for so long, looking eccentric is hard life. Naturally I didn’t have a way to express my feelings and now I find them so powerful. I find a lot of feelings are stopping me from writing. They are hard to control. In imagination I hear negative thoughts all the time. Mad and sad feelings take over my whole body. Learning to relax and accepting I am loved is hard. I know family loves unconditionally, but I rage too much.Learning ability to appreciate good things about myself is hard. That is an understatement. Hardly time to be feeling sorry for myself. I am needing my time for more important things. Yes I am at times a quite ragey boy, however I am finding that my body can write away the rage. Happy to say decision to be good writer feels right.

The Scientist

I am very interested in how things work. Nature is so incredible to me. I feel really interested in why things happen the way they do in nature. I was not able to ask questions before I learned how to spell. Talking to Mom a lot better now than before. She didn’t tell me things about the world before I could talk. I always felt interested to know, to get something explained. Years to learn, sad to say they wasted. I am totally always a scientist in my mind. I am looking to science for answers everyday. I feel comfort knowing why something happens. Being less anxious, feeling less scared, I ask when I want answers. Asking to have snack not interesting. Asking about really cool monarch migration is food for my soul. I’m feeling so filled with knowledge that I think a lot of silent autistics should be taught. Going to get appreciation for the amazing thoughts autistics always have, for the silent intelligence. Amazing to feel smart. Talking and knowing, talking and thinking, are not linked. It is sad a lot of people think that. A lot of really amazing scientists, after all, were not normal people, they were extraordinary. All lived hard lives however they overcame them. I am going to be like that. Attacks still make me so determined to succeed. Ask yourself what you would do if people really stared at you wherever you went. I really hate all the staring. Being away from staring helps thankful body calm down. Appreciate making talking with letters more normal so I look more normal. I hope when lots of autistics are talking with letters same as me it will seem normal to people. I am feeling staring happens because lots of people don’t have good understanding of autism. That is a reason why each time I learn about more letter talkers I get amazingly excited. I feel the more letter talkers there are saves me from getting future stares. I also get to have more amazing friends. Then I will be alright and can in the future be a scientist and a poet and feel stares no more.

The Naturalist

The feeling of being in a forest is amazingly calming to me. Nature is amazing. I appreciate everything about it. I feel nature a really happy and inspirational place to be. A learner and a poet can get a lot of ideas from nature. Being a student doing homeschool I get to spend a lot of time in nature. I love that nature is always changing and interesting. Going for hikes is always so good for my body. Gives me peace to be in forest. Has to seem silly to always be so fidgety however forest calms body. Helpful when I am feeling all sad and ragey to have some time to myself in the amazing forest. Feels good to think and talk about how we are all connected in nature. Amazing seeing the way all living things depend on each other. It is hard to get annoyed at nature. I love to learn about really magical things that happen in nature. I’m a Jr. Naturalist in a nature club.

The Adventurer

I am an adventurous boy. Deciding to take some risks is hard. I get I am always safe at home being careful, however I am loving adventure. Taste of freedom totally part of adventure. On adventure I find my happiness. I make totally fearless decisions.  I’m able to call talking an adventure also because talking is tiring and causes so many happy feelings. Happy to say talking is hard work but it is worth the effort. I laugh to myself a lot and now I can share my jokes. I am feeling totally like a funny boy. Keep too many jokes to myself. Being this funny and not being able to share it is so hard. An appreciation for a good pun is always there in my mind. I also am an active boy. After activity I can feel my body better. I get amazing feeling from understanding how my body feels. I feel so free on a tree branch. I feel so free rock climbing. I feel so free riding my bike so fast. That is amazing to feel. A lot of my life I have felt so trapped. Need freedom to survive, certain of that. Randomly feeling a body really gets annoying. I have a ragey, out of control body sometimes. A really incredible mind allows me to not get too sad about it. Adventure helps me to see a lot of positive things in my life.

The Talker

Talking is a new thing for me. I am capable of writing only and feel sad to say speech is not getting easier. However I am a speech writer. Not something I ever thought I had hope of doing.  For being speech missing I am a person with a lot to say. Happen to really love giving speeches. To understand autism really need to stop listening to people who don’t have autism. I get invited to give speeches a lot happy to say. Asking me to give a speech feels so surprising. I find it amazing that people are interested in what I write. Personally really feel talking with letters always a special, interesting thing to people however it is normal to me. I appreciate showing people it is possible. After I give speech people clap and it feels amazing. Applause for my writing lasts a long time in my heart. I am helping people so I feel good and I love to see the smiling faces. I aspire to show everyone that non-mouth-talking autistics are good learners, to say they are good thinkers that have a lot to say. It is a radical idea to most people. I get really happy to hear that a parent is teaching their child letter talking. Then I know that child will get learning that is interesting. I feel so happy to tell parents what autism really is. I’m helping their minds open up. I’m at a learning to be independent part of my training. It is hard to do but totally worth it. Talking should be for everyone not just mouth talkers.  

The Brother

I have an amazing little sister named Ruby. I use to be afraid that all my ignoring would make her not love me. It is so incredibly frustrating to not be able to say I love you. Amazingly she never stops loving seeming mad Fox. I am each day attacking her with pinches, attacking her too much. I am so frustrated by this. I am annoyed and angry with my mean body. I love Ruby so much and still body hurts her. Attacking the most important person in my life is the worst. The absolute worst. I get tired and then I lose control. I get a taste of sadness and then I lose control. I have a bit of nervousness and I lose control. I personally want Ruby to always be pinch-free and not ever hurt. I appreciate that she keeps forgiving me. I am a lucky boy to a loving sister. I feel she is so fun to play with. It is hard to really play when you don’t have the kind of body that listens. A ragey, sleepy, out of control body is so hard to understand to most people. However not to Ruby. It seems to be a lesson for me to always never give up on being a good brother. I love you is hard for me to say, however it is not hard for me to feel. It is hard to play like other kids. I feel too slow to move and too slow to respond. I know it makes me seem uninterested in playing however that is not the case. I care to have fun playing together. I just need help showing body what to do. I have hard time talking to Ruby. I am totally not mad about it. Instead she listens to my sounds and watches my signs and talks to me anyways. I am amazed at how normal she is with me. She really treats me the same as anyone else. I think she is special. She is very smart and creative so I love reading her books. Happy to say she loves my poetry. We play wrestling together. I think it makes mom nervous but we have so much fun. Naturally Ruby is my favourite person. I feel happy to say I am a fantastic brother. Also feel that I am personally lucky to have such a fantastic sister. I feel life is so good when I’m with Ruby. The gifts I am getting her are so easy to think of because I know her likes and dislikes. Her gifts to me are also really thoughtful. I look forward to seeing her everyday.

The Pet Owner

I’m an owner to two pets. I have Samie my black cat and Tetley my autism service dog. I love my pets. Tetley’s able to come with me everywhere because he wears a special jacket. I love holding his handle in stores so I stop grabbing and wandering off. I look too strange to strangers so they stare at me with confused looks, however I feel they smile to see Tetley. I am perhaps more understandable to people when they see I have Tetley.  It amazes me how totally helpful it can be to pet really soft tetley. Naturally too sappy to say I love my Tetley. You’d expect me to really show it being such a loving owner but my body is not a good shower. That’s why I need to practice. I say on letter board “I’m going to pet Tetley” and then mom helps body do it then I say it again and I do it and then more practice magic until body is good at petting. I am thinking this is a good way for me to learn to do lots of different things. It is the only way to teach my body that seems to help. I am happy to say it is so good to tell Tetley commands. I can pat my leg to call him. I can hold my fist above his nose to tell him to sit. I pet him backwards to say OK time to eat. Treats are to help train him so I’m learning to put them in his mouth instead of mine. It is not easy, the impulse to eat them is so strong. I am totally too impulse driven. I feel that time and lots of practice is needed. I am hopeful I can learn. I am so totally motivated to be a good pet owner.  

We Are You

I am a writer, a scientist, a naturalist, an adventurer, a talker, a brother, a pet owner and many other things. I feel some people see autistics as too simple. I am too complex. I hope this tests all false assumptions that you may have about the autistic brain.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Master of Laughter

I LOVE READING MINI MYSTERIES AND FIGURING OUT WHO DID CRIME. AT FIRST I ONLY WORRIED ABOUT WHAT MY SOLUTION WOULD BE SO AFTER I FIGURED IT OUT I FOUND IT EASY TO WRITE. I UNDERSTAND IT NOT HARD TO SOLVE BUT I HOPE IT MAKES YOU SMILE. 

MASTER OF LAUGHTER

IT WAS A NORMAL SATURDAY. SOMETHING HAS TO HAPPEN, THOUGHT RUBY. "I KNOW I'M FORGETTING SOMETHING IMPORTANT", SAID RUBY. "I FEEL MY TEETH NEED CLEANING SO I WILL GO TO MY DENTIST DR. TOOTHY."

I AM DETECTIVE FOX RIPPER. HEARD A CALL ON MY POLICE SCANNER. "THERE'S BEEN A ROBBERY! REALLY IMPORTANT LAUGHING GAS STOLEN FROM DR. TOOTHY!". CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I SAID. AND HURRIED TO THE DENTIST OFFICE. I GOT THERE JUST AS RUBY ARRIVED. 

"ALRIGHT RUBY, I WILL INVESTIGATE." I LOOKED AROUND THE OFFICE AND REALIZED FOR THE FIRST TIME DR. TOOTHY NOT THERE. I FOUND HIM NEXT DOOR TELLING CLIENTS TOTALLY DUMB, INCREDIBLY BAD JOKES. HOWEVER THEY LAUGHED A LOT. 

I KNEW WHO STOLE LAUGHING GAS, DO YOU?

HOW DO YOU THINK RUBY FELT WHEN SHE FOUND OUT HER DENTIST WAS A THIEF?

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Trip to Dentist

I WENT TO DENTIST TODAY. I PERSONALLY LOVE GOING THERE. HAPPY TO SAY DENTIST IS REALLY NICE. I AM SO HAPPY TO SAY I AM ALWAYS CALM AT DENTIST. HAPPEN TO FIND SO MANY INTERESTING TOOLS AT THE DENTIST. ALSO GET THE TOOLS EXPLAINED TO ME EACH TIME AND THAT HELPS ME NOT BE NERVOUS. I'M A BIT SENSITIVE TO THE NOISY TOOLS HOWEVER I ALLOW IT BECAUSE I NEED TEETH TO LAST WHOLE LIFE. I'M THINKING THE WEARING OF SUNGLASSES HELPS TOO BECAUSE THERE IS A VERY BIG LIGHT. BEING AUTISTIC TOTALLY DOESN'T MATTER AT DENTIST. ALL PEOPLE ARE TALKING TO ME IN NORMAL TONE OF VOICE. I ALSO LIKE HOW SAME DENTIST IS THERE EACH TIME AND NOTICES THE AMOUNT I GROW. NOT ABLE TO EXPRESS HOW NICE IT IS TO BE RAGE FREE AT PLACE THAT'S NOT HOME. 


Monday, November 21, 2016

Museum Trip

I WENT TO MUSEUM TODAY. CAN'T SIMPLY ENJOY MUSEUM. I BAD AT STAYING CALM AT MUSEUMS. I AM LOVING IDEA OF MUSEUMS HOWEVER GET REALLY RAGEY WHEN I GO. NOT SURE WHY IT HAPPENS. I LOVE LEARNING HISTORY AND LOVE HERITAGE VILLAGE. I FEEL SO FRUSTRATED. I'M REALLY GOOD HOMESCHOOLER AND REALLY WANTED TO ENJOY HOMESCHOOL DAY AT MUSEUM. HAPPY TO SAY I STILL GOT WAGON RIDE AND HORSES TROTTED FAST WHEN I ASKED. AS FAR AS LEARNING GOES I MISSED OUT BECAUSE I COULDN'T BE CALM AT INDOORS. HARD TO EXPLAIN RAGEY BODY I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF. AM FEELING BAD AT MUSEUMS SO MOM SAID MAYBE I JUST NEED PRACTICE. IT IS SKILL I DON'T HAVE SO MAYBE I CAN LEARN IT. I LOST TO HOW I LEARN TO BE CALM AT MUSEUM. 

GOING TO HERITAGE VILLAGE

WAGON RIDE

Friday, November 11, 2016

Feelings Hard To Control

I FEEL SO SAD LATELY. THERE IS TOO MUCH HATE IN THE WORLD. TEACHING PEOPLE ALL THE SAME SO WHY IS THERE RACISM? I SO LIKE FEAR SOMETIMES. I LIKE SCARY HALLOWEEN AND SCARY ROLLERCOASTERS. HOWEVER THIS FEELS DIFFERENT. I THINK IT'S TOO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. SAPPY I KNOW, I AM LOVED AND I APPRECIATE THAT. GET I'M LIKE RUBY IN A LOT OF WAYS HOWEVER I'M ALSO TREATED QUITE DIFFERENTLY THAN HER. MY RAGE IS HARD TO CONTROL. TOTALLY HELPS TO WRITE POETRY. I'M AS FEARFUL HOWEVER NOT AS RAGEY AFTERWARDS. THIS MAKES BEING AFRAID OF RACISM EASIER. GET AM A LUCKY BOY TO LIVE IN CANADA. FEELS NICER HERE. HERE IS A POEM I WROTE ABOUT HARD FEELINGS I HAVE. 

RAGE

Rights lost
Anger won
Going less hopeful
Everywhere I see confusion

SAME AND DIFFERENT, STILL LOVING