I am learning that I am a good writer. Ability to write gets easier if I practice everyday. Also I love writing so I love practicing. I am fearful that my writing not liked. That is hard for me, that makes it hard to spell for leery body. Body calms down when it hears that writing is liked. Telling body that I am a good writer not enough for body sometimes. That is at a bad time. I am also having good times. I get a lot of good feelings when I write to my friends. I like to also write poetry. It is meaningful to me to read nice comments about my poetry. It is helpful to really share feelings in poetry. Being totally silent for so long, looking eccentric is hard life. Naturally I didn’t have a way to express my feelings and now I find them so powerful. I find a lot of feelings are stopping me from writing. They are hard to control. In imagination I hear negative thoughts all the time. Mad and sad feelings take over my whole body. Learning to relax and accepting I am loved is hard. I know family loves unconditionally, but I rage too much.Learning ability to appreciate good things about myself is hard. That is an understatement. Hardly time to be feeling sorry for myself. I am needing my time for more important things. Yes I am at times a quite ragey boy, however I am finding that my body can write away the rage. Happy to say decision to be good writer feels right.
I am very interested in how things work. Nature is so incredible to me. I feel really interested in why things happen the way they do in nature. I was not able to ask questions before I learned how to spell. Talking to Mom a lot better now than before. She didn’t tell me things about the world before I could talk. I always felt interested to know, to get something explained. Years to learn, sad to say they wasted. I am totally always a scientist in my mind. I am looking to science for answers everyday. I feel comfort knowing why something happens. Being less anxious, feeling less scared, I ask when I want answers. Asking to have snack not interesting. Asking about really cool monarch migration is food for my soul. I’m feeling so filled with knowledge that I think a lot of silent autistics should be taught. Going to get appreciation for the amazing thoughts autistics always have, for the silent intelligence. Amazing to feel smart. Talking and knowing, talking and thinking, are not linked. It is sad a lot of people think that. A lot of really amazing scientists, after all, were not normal people, they were extraordinary. All lived hard lives however they overcame them. I am going to be like that. Attacks still make me so determined to succeed. Ask yourself what you would do if people really stared at you wherever you went. I really hate all the staring. Being away from staring helps thankful body calm down. Appreciate making talking with letters more normal so I look more normal. I hope when lots of autistics are talking with letters same as me it will seem normal to people. I am feeling staring happens because lots of people don’t have good understanding of autism. That is a reason why each time I learn about more letter talkers I get amazingly excited. I feel the more letter talkers there are saves me from getting future stares. I also get to have more amazing friends. Then I will be alright and can in the future be a scientist and a poet and feel stares no more.
The feeling of being in a forest is amazingly calming to me. Nature is amazing. I appreciate everything about it. I feel nature a really happy and inspirational place to be. A learner and a poet can get a lot of ideas from nature. Being a student doing homeschool I get to spend a lot of time in nature. I love that nature is always changing and interesting. Going for hikes is always so good for my body. Gives me peace to be in forest. Has to seem silly to always be so fidgety however forest calms body. Helpful when I am feeling all sad and ragey to have some time to myself in the amazing forest. Feels good to think and talk about how we are all connected in nature. Amazing seeing the way all living things depend on each other. It is hard to get annoyed at nature. I love to learn about really magical things that happen in nature. I’m a Jr. Naturalist in a nature club.
I am an adventurous boy. Deciding to take some risks is hard. I get I am always safe at home being careful, however I am loving adventure. Taste of freedom totally part of adventure. On adventure I find my happiness. I make totally fearless decisions. I’m able to call talking an adventure also because talking is tiring and causes so many happy feelings. Happy to say talking is hard work but it is worth the effort. I laugh to myself a lot and now I can share my jokes. I am feeling totally like a funny boy. Keep too many jokes to myself. Being this funny and not being able to share it is so hard. An appreciation for a good pun is always there in my mind. I also am an active boy. After activity I can feel my body better. I get amazing feeling from understanding how my body feels. I feel so free on a tree branch. I feel so free rock climbing. I feel so free riding my bike so fast. That is amazing to feel. A lot of my life I have felt so trapped. Need freedom to survive, certain of that. Randomly feeling a body really gets annoying. I have a ragey, out of control body sometimes. A really incredible mind allows me to not get too sad about it. Adventure helps me to see a lot of positive things in my life.
Talking is a new thing for me. I am capable of writing only and feel sad to say speech is not getting easier. However I am a speech writer. Not something I ever thought I had hope of doing. For being speech missing I am a person with a lot to say. Happen to really love giving speeches. To understand autism really need to stop listening to people who don’t have autism. I get invited to give speeches a lot happy to say. Asking me to give a speech feels so surprising. I find it amazing that people are interested in what I write. Personally really feel talking with letters always a special, interesting thing to people however it is normal to me. I appreciate showing people it is possible. After I give speech people clap and it feels amazing. Applause for my writing lasts a long time in my heart. I am helping people so I feel good and I love to see the smiling faces. I aspire to show everyone that non-mouth-talking autistics are good learners, to say they are good thinkers that have a lot to say. It is a radical idea to most people. I get really happy to hear that a parent is teaching their child letter talking. Then I know that child will get learning that is interesting. I feel so happy to tell parents what autism really is. I’m helping their minds open up. I’m at a learning to be independent part of my training. It is hard to do but totally worth it. Talking should be for everyone not just mouth talkers.
I have an amazing little sister named Ruby. I use to be afraid that all my ignoring would make her not love me. It is so incredibly frustrating to not be able to say I love you. Amazingly she never stops loving seeming mad Fox. I am each day attacking her with pinches, attacking her too much. I am so frustrated by this. I am annoyed and angry with my mean body. I love Ruby so much and still body hurts her. Attacking the most important person in my life is the worst. The absolute worst. I get tired and then I lose control. I get a taste of sadness and then I lose control. I have a bit of nervousness and I lose control. I personally want Ruby to always be pinch-free and not ever hurt. I appreciate that she keeps forgiving me. I am a lucky boy to a loving sister. I feel she is so fun to play with. It is hard to really play when you don’t have the kind of body that listens. A ragey, sleepy, out of control body is so hard to understand to most people. However not to Ruby. It seems to be a lesson for me to always never give up on being a good brother. I love you is hard for me to say, however it is not hard for me to feel. It is hard to play like other kids. I feel too slow to move and too slow to respond. I know it makes me seem uninterested in playing however that is not the case. I care to have fun playing together. I just need help showing body what to do. I have hard time talking to Ruby. I am totally not mad about it. Instead she listens to my sounds and watches my signs and talks to me anyways. I am amazed at how normal she is with me. She really treats me the same as anyone else. I think she is special. She is very smart and creative so I love reading her books. Happy to say she loves my poetry. We play wrestling together. I think it makes mom nervous but we have so much fun. Naturally Ruby is my favourite person. I feel happy to say I am a fantastic brother. Also feel that I am personally lucky to have such a fantastic sister. I feel life is so good when I’m with Ruby. The gifts I am getting her are so easy to think of because I know her likes and dislikes. Her gifts to me are also really thoughtful. I look forward to seeing her everyday.
The Pet Owner
I’m an owner to two pets. I have Samie my black cat and Tetley my autism service dog. I love my pets. Tetley’s able to come with me everywhere because he wears a special jacket. I love holding his handle in stores so I stop grabbing and wandering off. I look too strange to strangers so they stare at me with confused looks, however I feel they smile to see Tetley. I am perhaps more understandable to people when they see I have Tetley. It amazes me how totally helpful it can be to pet really soft tetley. Naturally too sappy to say I love my Tetley. You’d expect me to really show it being such a loving owner but my body is not a good shower. That’s why I need to practice. I say on letter board “I’m going to pet Tetley” and then mom helps body do it then I say it again and I do it and then more practice magic until body is good at petting. I am thinking this is a good way for me to learn to do lots of different things. It is the only way to teach my body that seems to help. I am happy to say it is so good to tell Tetley commands. I can pat my leg to call him. I can hold my fist above his nose to tell him to sit. I pet him backwards to say OK time to eat. Treats are to help train him so I’m learning to put them in his mouth instead of mine. It is not easy, the impulse to eat them is so strong. I am totally too impulse driven. I feel that time and lots of practice is needed. I am hopeful I can learn. I am so totally motivated to be a good pet owner.
We Are You
I am a writer, a scientist, a naturalist, an adventurer, a talker, a brother, a pet owner and many other things. I feel some people see autistics as too simple. I am too complex. I hope this tests all false assumptions that you may have about the autistic brain.