Finding My Voice - Conclusion

I am feeling knowledgeable about how the brain works. I am knowing a lot of people are naturally having really incredibly hard time acknowledging I am able to talk so well even though I am non-verbal. I know having to see it to believe it is a saying but I don’t understand why it is hard to believe. After a person sees me talk they are always shocked and amazed, however mom always tells them I can talk before and they are still surprised. I think that’s a big problem for autistics. I am feeling if everyone assumed autistics are smart instead of being shocked by it then my ABA and school experiences might not have been so awful. I hope someday it will be a normal thing to teach all autistics RPM. I am not naturally finding a lot of letter talkers around here. Hopefully that changes because there are a lot of autistics around here. I feel seeing autism as a brain/body disconnect is needed for an acknowledgement of all autistics being smart to happen. I am feeling autistics should always be given acknowledgement for how much effort it always takes to get in control even a little bit, I am finding it hardest when I am feeling sick or tired. Not able to be in control at all, really ability is gone.

I am a very amazing boy, naturally nice, happy and smart. I am again always giving wrong impression. I am finding that makes lots of misunderstandings. Also I always hear too loud so I am not liking too much noise or crowds. I guess that is not the same for all autistics but it is a big reason I have trouble being calm. I am acknowledging I can be a bit different than other autistics. It doesn’t really matter I feel a lot alike as well. I love meeting other autistics and learning about them. I feel a lot better about my autism also about my personal friendships. I find autistics make great friends. Autistics are great listeners, even if they don’t look like it. I always look not interested in listening, however I love interesting conversations. To a knowledgeable autistic that is no problem. To a person who doesn’t understand autism it can be maddening and frustrating for them. I think not looking at people’s faces is a fine thing but not everyone agrees. I find it a bit tiring to look at a face. I am not sure some people realize that. You are always asked to do tiring things all day long and then you lose control because of being so tired and people get mad at you. I think this is very unfair. I am not in control, I can’t stop it, I can’t behave, I can’t quiet down. I am personally really frustrated, sad, mad and incredibly tired of nobody understanding that. I am feeling better now because I can explain myself. It helps me calm down and acknowledgement of my effort feels great. I am finding now that mom understands autism a lot better my fear and anxiety is relaxing. I also find acknowledging autism is ok and not terrible feels amazing.

I am a really amazing speech writer. I love giving speeches and answering questions. I am personally an expert on autism. I feel I have a lot to teach people about autism. I am knowing autism is misunderstood and I want understanding to happen. I am trying to show people that autistics are smarter than we appear to be. I know finding out that autistics can understand everything is a lot to handle. However it is for the autistic incredibly important that large number of people believe it. I hope giving speeches is helping spread the word. I find it scary and depressing that people are shocked by how well I write. So many people find listening to my speech amazing, but I wonder if Dad wrote it if it really is still amazing. Is it because I’m autistic or because I’m a good writer? I know Mom thinks I’m a good writer but she loves me and that makes her biased. I am just feeling hopeful that someday I will give my speech and nobody will be amazed by me the autistic but by me the Fox. I find Mom is amazed by me the Fox, not autism only, but me. I feel amazing at home I am treated like how everyone should be treated. Home is a great, magical place where I am normal and loved. I find personally I am not treated that well outside of home. I get treated like a person with no mind. I find it is getting harder as I am getting spelling so well. I now each day am treated like a smart person by people that know I can spell. I answer questions and know I am respected. I feel happy saying things to people. Getting to really have a personal conversation is the understanding I always wanted. I therefore have no feeling of patience for someone treating me like I am stupid. It is no longer acceptable and never should have been. I feel no autistic likes being talked to like a stupid person. Nice, loving people really should understand that. A challenging thing is making conversation with someone who doesn’t talk yet. I am going to give some advice for this situation: Happily talk normally, not slow and loud; nicely acknowledge person is there and listening, learning and understanding; point and laugh is not allowed; need to include person even if they have hard time participating; and last but not least always have patience and understanding of brain/body disconnect. Not only for autistics but all people should be treated with respect and understanding. Nicely finding that there are a lot of nice people in the world, I was not able to discover them until I found my voice. Finding my voice really changed my life. I hope all autistics are given opportunity to show how amazing autism is.  

Finding My Voice - Part 3

I need some people to very not know that I am autistic so that they treat me like a real person. Acknowledging my autism always makes it hard to say Fox is smart. I can’t understand why people are always very surprised that I am a good speller. Having no idea that spelling is a hard thing for people to learn. My ability to spell was always there but ability to control hands was making it hard to show off. I am knowledgeable about hard to spell words. I feel that is not special. I’m happy to spell well, however it is not a magical thing. It is nice that people are impressed by me, however I think that they are impressed by the wrong thing. Spelling is incredibly easy if you practice everyday. I have to spell all of my thoughts so I get a lot of practice. Magical is not the word, practice is. I love incredibly hard work, it makes my nice mind feel amazing. To get to learn challenging things is not a gift, not a present, but a human right. Making learning knowledge possible should be really aim for all students not just ones that mouth talk. I learn everyday now and I am finding I have more happiness and hope then I did before. Ruby gets to learn interesting things at school and she loves school. I didn’t find colors and letters and shapes interesting after learning them the first time. I always was taught the same things over and over. I found it so boring. Talking has no magical ability to make learning possible. I am incredibly happy to quietly learn. I am so able to learn just by hearing or seeing things. It is not necessary for answers to be given. I am learning without proving it. I really don’t understand why I need to prove my intelligence in order to be taught anything interesting. I am not sure what harm it would do to teach interesting things to someone who really didn’t understand. I know all about how harmful it is to not teach someone who is understanding. It is feeling stupid, it is feeling not respected, it is feeling stuck, it is feeling hopeless, it is feeling really sad. Does that not show that all people should be given real education? I think it is an easy choice. I am always happy to find out something new, after I could talk this happened everyday. I hate that so much of nice life was wasted on ABA. I regret it so much. It came each day but was always the same. I mastered rather than learned. Nice, so nice that it is over. I am a learner but I couldn’t prove it to ABAers. Learning not mastering always should be the main goal. I believe ABA is not a good way to teach autistics. In ABA I behaved really badly. I had a really hard time being in control. I am always feeling a little out of control however I was really out of control in ABA. In ABA I couldn’t control my hands so I couldn’t show that I knew anything. Not like in amazing RPM. I feel so much more in control of my hands now. I think RPM is the reason. It taught good, interesting lessons to practice pointing to correct letters. I practiced so much that I started having more control of my hands. I am thinking it makes other things in control too. For example, my tired eyes are liking watching movies now. Before RPM I hated movies because my eyes would start hurting and I pinch when my eyes hurt, I find my eyes have more energy now. I am finding it possible to read a book on my own and to do tangrams and I feel not sorry about if I make a mistake. I think RPM is ok with mistakes. I think RPM is ok with out of control body. I think I’m not suited for ABA.

Naturally I know I feel sure people find it strange that I can letter talk so well but I can’t say any words with my mouth. It always nicely surprises people. I am not really sure if people always believe I am not saying mom’s words. I am able to tell the non-believers from the believers. It is hard to be not believed, it makes it hard to spell. I know feeling sad about it doesn’t help but it is hard not to feel sad. Feeling mighty unable to control emotions. I feel emotions naturally take over loving mind. Nasty and sad feelings talk in my head and are hard to ignore. I like happy feelings better. I am learning about giving worries a rest. I think my thoughts are always getting stuck in my totally overactive amygdala, it is a frustrating thing. I feel nice prefrontal cortex is a better part of the brain. I feel better when I am learning interesting things. It makes me stay in prefrontal cortex and allows amygdala to rest. Back in school and ABA I was never learning anything interesting so I could never get out of amygdala. Back then I couldn’t calm down, I was always a wild boy. I had no control over my body. I felt so awful each day.

I need to improve my ability to listen. I am able to understand however not listen. I feel it is mighty hard sometimes and just want my body to listen. Naturally it is acknowledged that brain/body disconnect is giving hard time to me however people still want me to listen. I understand listening is important, I really give my best all the time. I am not listening because I can’t. I would appreciate acknowledgement of my effort, candid acknowledgement of how hard autistics have to try in order to behave. I am thinking autistics really are so misunderstood. Can’t find a person who believes happiness is possible for autistics. I feel Mom and Dad believe it but nobody else. Autism is not a tragedy, not having a voice and education is. Today both are possible for all autistics. I believe RPM is the answer.

I am personally happy to be autistic. I am mighty happy to have autism. I think sometimes people treat autism as a terrible thing to have, acknowledgment only of what is hard about it not what is great about it. It can be amazing to have autism. Not able to make very frustrating body do what I want it to do but I have a great mind. My mind has caring thoughts, amazing memory, incredible imagination. I am a good problem solver. I love learning. I always feel I am a nice person inside. I like my life. I am a good, loving brother to my sister. I am becoming a real poet and writer. I am also a good rock climber and a good swimmer. I am a happy boy. Happiness can come to anybody, normal or not. Happiness is not given to you it is found and taken. Ability to be happy is a choice. I am always happy but sometimes I don’t look like I am. That is very frustrating. I always enjoy going to museums however sometimes I get upset there. I don’t understand why my body does it. I am acknowledging it is a misunderstood thing not in my control. I have the ability to explain myself now but I couldn’t always. I am grateful that I am not misunderstood very much anymore.  

I am a person that makes loud noises. I am also a person that doesn’t like loud noises. It is a hard combination. I am finding a lot of contradictions in my life. I feel happy but I look sad, I have lots of amazing thoughts but I can’t speak, I love learning but I don’t go to school, I am a good friend but I don’t have many friends. I always am a paradox. I feel acknowledging a paradox helps calm down feeling that life is unfair. Happy with my life but it can be hard sometimes. I am knowledgeable, creative and like learning. I feel nice and hopeful for happy, incredible future. I believe I can be anything at all. I again am not a tragic person. I am a great, mighty, autistic boy. Happiness is in autism and autism is in happiness. I find a lot of parents have wrong idea about autism. I am a person with awareness and feelings. I find it is not how autism is often seen. I find that has a big effect on how autistics are treated. Calling autism a good thing shouldn’t be strange, it should be normal. I am a normal person, I have normal feelings, I am normal in my learning. I am happy and loved. Nice people have no problem talking to me like I am normal. I am a loving, amazing and clever Fox. I am finding real knowledge and I love it. I believe right thing is to assume all people have thoughts and feelings. I learned being non-verbal, each person is not treated equally. It is not right. Nice Ruby is always assumed to be capable of learning. Not having jealousy of my loving Ruby, but I just think she is given more life opportunities. I find I get happy on a knowledge filled trip. I find my body has hard time acknowledging that I love learning. I appreciate walking in woods. I also appreciate playing on playground. I always love rock climbing. I find a lot of comfort in swimming. I appreciate reading interesting books. I am happily going shopping at stores. I know body can be calm in these situations. Maybe with practice I can learn to be calm in museums too.

I am a boy and being calm is not easy for boys. Each boy I know is a very hyper person. Not so autistic, just hyper. I am not thinking it is going to last forever, I find men are calm. However acknowledging that autistic boys are like non-autistic boys makes me happy. I guess girls can be hyper too but not as much as boys. I am ragey sometimes and I think it only happens to autistics.

Finding My Voice - Part 2

Making future plans feels amazing. I am going to be a scientist who also writes poetry. I love writing poetry. To be poetic all you need is imagination and creativity. Happy I am having both. Does it matter if I can’t always control my body? Does it matter if I have no impulse control? Does it matter if I can’t mouth talk? No it definitely, absolutely, happily, amazingly, incredibly does not. Having autism always feels really limiting. I am always acknowledging I am smart but before I could spell I knew I was the only one able to see it. Giving mom and dad no way to understand me. Nice mom always acknowledged I am saying things with signs. Can’t say a lot with signs but had a way to get food. It was damn challenging to learn new signs. Had so much trouble saying true thoughts. Didn’t have control of my hands like I do now. I knew a lot of people didn’t understand my signs and I felt so scared and misunderstood whenever I was away from home. Happy I am homeschooled now. Being understood is amazing and I am really not so scared anymore. Nice learning so I can be a scientist someday. I feel so hopeful I will have a good life. Happiness is learning interesting things, listening to interesting stories, watching interesting movies and having interesting conversations. Also being treated well is important. Being respected as a smart person has felt so good.

I am pinching my sister sometimes. I think it is a very bad thing to do. Can be personally very frustrating. I really do not like hurting people. It only happens if I have no control over body. I am capable of loving my sister so much but I still hurt her. I don’t really want to upset anybody however it happens all the time. I am going to know a lot and feel someday I will find a way to have control. Talking about this is very difficult, raging body makes it hard to spell. I hope body is going to learn to listen someday. It is nice after calming down and relaxing I can make my nice sister Ruby acknowledge how good a brother I am. Naturally I think she is amazing, nice and smart. I am so raging sometimes and feel not good. I am pinching and screaming and making a lot of mess. I am thankful I am so forgiven after by my loving sister. I can’t control my body but I am always trying.

I am feeling so tired all the time, I never sleep enough. I didn’t think night sleep was important always. I use to not really like to sleep. I understood night was for sleeping rather than playing and learning but now I realize how important sleep is to my mind and body. Doing real learning about the brain helped me learn what a gift sleep is. Calming down is so not realistic if I’m tired. I can’t have rage if I’m well rested. Mighty good sleep is so rare. I didn’t miss knowledge when I didn’t have it but I miss sleep so much. I hope sleep issue is solved someday. I am liking sleep now, it is nice to imagine memories are real. Memories are nice to think about if they are happy. I love dreaming too, not nightmares but incredibly happy dreams.

Dapper, knowledgeable, happy, nice Fox is incredibly good at learning. Delightful, good, fearless, loving Mom is a good teacher. Talking to happy mom is the coolest feeling in the world. Mom is knowledgeable about some things not everything however I feel she loves learning just like me. It’s nice to be taught about deciding for myself. I like making decisions so much. Nice to say what I want, only about everything not just food. To feel nice and knowledgeable is good but to feel in control of life is incredible. I feel totally in control of if I ever go back to school. It makes happiness possible to know I don’t have to go back if I don’t want to. Naturally I have decided not to go but it is up to me and I am able to change my mind. I make lots of decisions everyday now. I naturally love making my own choices. I know I am feeling more confident, happy and really find peace knowing I decide. I love making very important decisions like if I will go to school. I also like making small decisions like what I will wear for Halloween.

Happiness is giving nice presents to nice, loving people. It really feels great to select something that you know someone is going to love because you thought of something incredible they always love doing. Maybe they like it, maybe they don’t but being a gift giver feels good either way. Dad and Mom are magnificent gift givers because they know very well what we like doing. It is nice to be loved like that. I get really nice gifts from them. I feel totally loved very much, not only when I am a talker but always. I feel that helped me when I couldn’t talk. I always had incredibly loving people after coming home from school. Mom is always happy to see me not only if I’m a behaving Fox but always. I need to have that feeling of unconditional love in order to feel calm. I am not always able to control how I react to things. It is nice to know that it doesn’t matter to Mom if I am wild sometimes. She gets frustrated with really wild behavior naturally, however she never stops loving me. When all is incredibly calm again Mom always apologizes for frustration and says she loves me. I am a lovable person and I love my family so much. I gave my sister freedom to stop loving me, however she really still loves me even if I pinch sometimes.  It always makes me understandingly so happy to have such an amazing sister. Nice, loving Ruby has to be the best sister in the whole solar system. I so feel incredibly happy to be her brother. Happy is a very good feeling and I am lucky to get it so often and feel like Ruby is the main reason. Sappy I know, but it is true. I know nice Ruby is not able to homeschool, however always incredibly nice to see her when she comes home. I think she is so fun to play with. Dad and Mom are fun too but Ruby is the most fun. I am a lucky and very happy brother to have Ruby as a sister.